I have been in a weird mood and I have about a billion things on my mind so I don’t know if this will be a cohesive entry or not.
I realized in my practice last night that I have been on a mental vacation since my last entry. I’ve just sort of been going through the motions. I haven’t really been Living. At some point in my practice last night, after struggling with some postures and getting frustrated with myself, I landed. It felt good because even though I was still physically struggling, I let go of the mental struggle and just accepted that I was not physically at 100% at that moment.
I then proceeded to go home and read some more of Rolf Gate’s book which I had not done since my little vacation had started. I read a considerable amount last night. I got to the point where I was falling asleep reading it but not wanting to stop so I kept mentally shaking myself awake. Anyway, the topics he covered in my reading last night really hit home for me. It started with aparigraha and what it means to truly let go and also covered some aspects of being present. All I can say is it was perfect. It was so fitting I can’t even begin to tell you.
This morning while driving to work, I was reviewing what had happened last night and had a bit of a realization and personal break-through. It’s almost embarrassing because it seems so simple to me now.
For a very long time now, I have had the belief that everything happens for a reason. We all have some greater purpose here and every event is leading us to that purpose and taking us all in our own ways down our own Paths. I actually say it all the time when crazy things happen or challenges present themselves in my life or in the life of those I love. It’s definitely a mantra for me.
Well … I don’t think I have truly ever really believed it or at least I have not ever really lived it. I just said it in the past to make myself feel better about things and I think in an attempt to make whomever I was saying it to feel better. Because if I truly believed that everything happens for a reason then I would not fear the future, no matter how unknown and vast, and I would always be present. If I truly believe this mantra then I should be relaxed and happy because I am just living the life that God intends, knowing that I am serving His purpose.
Dude. Holy cow manure. This is a big deal for me. This could be that thing I’ve been looking for. Well, not the Thing, but another big ass tool. A really big one.
I don’t think it will be easy to shed bad habits though given that for 33 years I’ve been living this lie. I have a really bad habit of fearing the future now. I have a really bad habit of getting moody over unworthy concerns or events now. I have a really bad habit of biting my nails when doing any of the aforementioned now. I get frustrated. I stress. I do all the things that are truly counter to a good yoga practice. But now I’ve got this new tool. The challenge is going to be using it when those bad habits rear their ugly heads.
So anyway, like I said at the beginning, I’ve got a billion things on my mind. Reflecting back now on my little mental vacation, I seemed to have a lot of moments that put together now add up to a little bit of growth for me.
For example, one night in my practice I started to twist a bit more in certain positions than I had ever twisted before and found length that I didn’t know I had (means a lot more to me now when our teachers say “Relax in the pose and find length.”). Doing so made me realize that by being present in my asana practice really makes it a growth experience every time.
I could go on but I won’t. I think I’ve released what I needed to. I feel better. I feel ready for that next challenge. I feel really good.