I am still struggling with fear. It's one thing to have an awakening, but it's quite another to get over what I awakened from I guess. But I knew that last week.
Fear is such a powerful emotion. Fear can be so difficult to deal with yet so easy to feel. It can drive me into a tailspin and make me feel really quite horrible. It can make me do things that I wouldn't normally do. It can make my thoughts turn negative and then become a self-fulfilling profecy. It can shape my future by changing the way I view that future. When I think about it, it's amazing that I am not curled up in a corner all the time petrified of the world around me. I mean there are SO many things to fear; getting in a car accident, the next customer walking through my door, staying healthy, the fear of being disliked, of losing love, of losing your life - the list goes on and on. It's no wonder I feel fear.
I have been dealing with fear all my life. As long as I can remember I have been scared. Scared of tomorrow and all the unknown horrible things that could happen. Scared of the past and all the demons that lurk behind the doors of certain painful memories and scared to open those doors to fight with them. Scared that I won't make my parents proud or my wife happy. Scared I won't be able to provide a beautiful life for my beautiful baby girls. Scared I might die while driving to work. Scared of death. Scared of life. Scared, scared and scared some more.
Well, I am officially sick of it. Seems like I declared this before but I've decided I can't be scared anymore. It doesn't make any sense to be scared when I really think about it. There is nothing I can do about most of the things I fear because of most of them have not and never will happen because most of the fear is based on the future. Demons that lurk behind the doors of the future. Doors I may never have to open. I cannot change the past, I cannot dictate the future, I can only live in the present. Fear makes me forget about the present. When I forget about the present, I forget about all the good things and the fear feeds. The fear grows. The fear overshadows the beauty that is all around me. I like the beauty. It is my friend.
It's something I will think about the next time I practice. I've been struggling lately with the fear that my legs are going to burn out while I practice (mainly because it's happened to me the last three times I've practiced!). I stand all day at my job and I think by the end of the day my legs are wasted. I do yoga and after a few warriors, my legs are burnt. And I mean burnt. Literally, I can't use them once they go because they are gone. My quads freak out. Anyway, I can't change that so I don't know why I fear it. It is what it is. My first thought is to make child my best friend but instead I will focus on finding some other aspect of these poses that cause these leg burnouts that will still allow me to grow (until the day I conquer this damn burnout issue and YES, I will conquer it).
Actually that's a good way to handle fear off my mat. When fear knocks, I will not answer. I mean, I can't change the cause of the fear but I can find ways to use it for my own growth. Just maybe I will become a little stronger each time and each time fear comes a knockin' it will be easier to redirect.
I was in a weird mood the other day (yes, I go there a lot, ask my wife) and I posted some words that I really like; especially the Big Head Todd words. Funny now because I view those words much differently right now than I did when I posted them.
