The past week, since returning to work from the July 4th holiday, I have continued to be very busy. I have also continued to be very distracted by being very busy. It was nice to have a long weekend since I don't get those very often right now due to the fact I work 6 days a week and only close on the big holidays. Actually, it was more than nice, it was awesome having a long weekend. Spent a lot of time with my six girls (Marcia, Melissa, Bella, Simon the dog, and Lucy and Daisy the cats) and a lot of time outdoors which I also don't get a lot of anymore given that I work inside and my favorite exercise is inside.
I came back to work this week and fell right back into where I was when I posted my last entry. But now I think I'm back and somewhat present again. I definitely need to be because the last several days have left me feeling frustrated and impatient. I'm feeling pulled in a BILLION directions and thinking about a BILLION little things while making sure I am getting done the BILLION things required of and by me to keep my life moving forward. I don't know a better way to describe this. One moment I am thinking about bad habits and what I need to do to break the cycle of some that I have. Another moment I am thinking some horrible, unfounded, fear-based thought about Marcia and then immediately thinking about what's behind that thought and ending up at the conclusion that the media is all about feeding on peoples fears and that I need to stop watching so much television. Then moments later I am thinking about my own mortality and wondering how long I am going to be alive. I know it sounds crazy but that's where I am. Not sure why.
I haven't practiced in several days due to a variety of reasons but mainly because I've been so busy. Whenever I don't practice for longer than I'd like to and feel the way I am feeling now, I generally notice how much I miss it and how when I do practice it has a calming effect on me. I think it's because I'm able to let go of things when I am practicing (most of the time anyway). I've been told and feel that my focus in my practice is more advanced than most yogi's who've been practicing as long as I have. For me that's such a integral part of it that I can't imagine NOT being as focused as I get.
I've been thinking about that focus a lot and I think I've come to realize that it is the biggest reason I miss yoga when I can't practice. Don't get me wrong, I love the physical aspects and the progress and experiencing the postures but the focus is my favorite. I don't think about the BILLION things. I don't worry about whatever is worrying me. I almost don't think but I can't say that because I do. I just think about totally different things like "wow, I am getting strong in that posture" or "how can I stretch this posture just a little bit more?" and things like that. What it makes me realize is that I am probably the most present in my life when I am practicing. It's the only time when I am 100% totally engaged doing one thing and thinking about that one thing. I am simplifying somewhat but that definitely is why I love it and miss it when I am not doing it. It makes me wish I could do it more. I have moments where I wish it was all I did.
I think the second biggest reason I love it is it makes me want to be a better person. I've become aware of the greater purpose of yoga in my life and in becoming aware have discovered the value of that purpose for me. As I've learned more than just the physical asanas and begun to understand the ethereal side, I've begun to want to practice and fully experience that side of yoga as well. And the more I understand it, the more I want it. Add the physical practice, which I've grown to love in and of itself, and it's clear to me why sometimes I think I wish it was all I did.
But that's not my reality right now. I've chosen a path that currently only allows me the physical practice a few times a week if that. I'm dedicated to my current path so although I wish for greener pastures in a way, I know that my pasture is the right shade of green for me right now. Yoga is my ballast to counter these phases I go through. It gives me a place to come back to and "check out" for an hour or two. These pages are an attempt to do so but I may not fully understand the significance of its presence in my life until some time in the future. Maybe that future will include yoga more than now, maybe not. I hope it does.
Every time I write on these pages, I think I discover more about me that I didn't know or didn't realize I felt.
My Dad sent me an e-mail today that included a quote that for some reason seems appropriate right now.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. ~~ anonymous