I've been feeling as though my last entry was muddled and confusing. In revisiting how I was feeling and now with hindsight trying to better understand what I was feeling, I do feel as though it has fructified the desire for change that I spoke of.
What must I do to truly effectuate a personal change, a personal revolution ("Journey Into Power" anyone)? What must I cultivate in order to realize what I wish to be real? This is the fire in which I burn. I want this change. I can see its reality in my minds eye. I can feel its texture, its warmth and the wonderful clarity of it.
It is apparent to me that I am lacking a Tool. Someting to actuate my desire. I keep thinking that yoga is my Tool but I think it's more of a long term prescription when what I need is acute emergency surgery. Well, emergency may be too harsh given that what I am struggling over is not life or death. I do notice that when I am focused on being a better yogin, I simulataneously do more of what it is I want to do more of. Anyway, I've been in this situation before; seeking, not finding, but ultimatly overcoming. Unfortunately I don't really know what I did to reach the breakthrough; what I did to overcome. I definitely did not have yoga to help me through before. Makes me wonder if I had a Tool in the past that I have lost or misplaced. Like some old tool that you put on a top shelf and sort of forget about until you randomly stumble across it cleaning out the garage. Hmmmmmm, maybe that's what I need, a cleansing of some sort. I'll have to ponder that.
The change I desire is not magnificent. It's ridding myself of bad habits and egocentricity, enlightening the ignorance of and exploring certain energies that I feel, and just plain and simple personal improvement for myself but more importantly for my loving and wonderful girls, most importantly my wife. I want to be what she needs when she needs it. I want to provide whatever need be provided in whatever form necessary so that she and my little ones are happy. I know I'm doing this now but I want to do it better all the time, not just when I'm feeling focused on doing so. I want to be conscious of these desires so that in every moment I can act upon them to make these changes real (can you say presence?). Yet I struggle as though I'm being held back by something.
I have moments when I see the change happening. When I make the change happen. It feels good and I think I am on my way. But then I fall back into old habits. I don't get it. It's so easy to see but so hard to achieve. Yet at the same time I truly believe in mind over matter so I am confused by my lack of overall progress. Ultimately I believe in the light at the end of the tunnel and that my attitude about the brightness of that light will ultimately determine the speed at which I reach that light. For now, I have to accept that as my Tool until I can not only discover The New Tool I need but also learn to effectively use it. The path between this moment and achievement is a lesson that I have yet to learn but clearly one that is part of my Path and one that I look forward to even as I struggle through it.
One last thing ... check this out.