I feel great right now. Life is good. I am learning to practice yoga more and more off my mat. I am breathing (literally and metaphorically) through my days. I still have my totally non-yogic moments but just like anything, it's a building process. One of my motos is "brick by brick." This is the way I approach life because I've learned that it works and it's definitely working for me right now. I am still focused on the previously discussed changes I am wanting and I am still struggling with making them real but I am honestly sick of being frustrated by them. So I am going to take a break from it. Dolly once said in a class that she hated a certain pose and couldn't do it so she decided to take a 4 month hiatus from it and when she finally tried it after her vacation from it, she did it and she "got it" (at least that's the way I remember the story). I'm thinking this might work for me in this struggle.
Anyway, in my physical practice I've been taking that brick by brick approach - class by class, pose by pose always seeking that progress no matter how small. I've explored this before but it really is about the little things and having the goal of going for the little things everytime I am in class in every posture. And I must report that I think I've finally built a pretty strong foundation. I feel good about my practice. Better than I've ever felt about it before. I am suddenly trying, and successfully accomplishing, postures I have never thought of trying before. It feels good to build towards a vision and begin to see the fruits of your labor.
These feelings led me to another svasana moment the other day. These moments are never really all that deep but they always serve me well regardless. This one had to do with the aforementioned brick by brick approach I've taken with my practice. I was imagining that with every movement I make in every class that I am sculpting my body to be what it is meant to be and what I want it to be which is ultimately just to be whatever it needs to be to support my practice. This reminds me of my entry not so long ago about yoga as art. Anyway, I began to think of myself as a sculptor, slowly chipping away at a huge block of marble envisioning the piece of art that I am trying to create and with every chip at that marble, slowing shaping it into a reality. It was a good thought. It made me feel good. It made me feel good about the slow, steady but apparent progress I've made both on my mat and off of it. Takes me back to the change I am seeking and makes me realize I must take the same approach.
On another note, I've been having these thoughts lately that I can't explain so I am going to throw them out to the universe and hope for a response or some guidance. I keep thinking, while driving, that I should be scared. That I should be petrified really. Driving is one of those activities we take for granted. We do it every day and because accidents on the small scale of individual human life are relatively rare (especially really bad ones) we don't really think about how dangerous it is. Think about it - 50 miles per hour in multi-ton, complex (i.e., many possible points of failure) vehicles driven by mistake prone humans basically driving head on at each other and passing within feet of each other. When you really think about it, it's amazingly scary. I've only had a panic attack once in my life and it actually happened just a few weeks ago over something that in hindsight I now think was ridiculous. But in any case I am worried that these thoughts are going to drive me to panic over driving. I don't get it. So far I don't think twice about getting in my car and driving every day. I mean I don't have a choice. Hopefully I will figure out what this is all about. The only thing I can think of is that god is keeping me alert for something that I need to be alert for in the future.