Every so often, I go through phases where I question everything from why I am here to what is God to am I on the right Path. I'm in one of those phases right now. Why am I here? What does it all mean? Am I doing what I "should" be doing (or does it even matter)? Is this reality random or determined? All of these questions generally make me think about faith and make me question what I believe and honestly, whether I believe. What is faith? Who is God? Why are we here? These are my current questions for the universe.
Over the years, having gone through this process many times, I think I've come to believe that I am here for a reason. That everything that happens to me in this life experience happens for a reason. I don't know that I necessarily believe in destiny, but I do think that as this reality is created, moment by moment, that each of those moments has a meaning for me and for my life. I also think that I have come to believe in God, although I am not sure that my definition of God matches any established belief system in our culture. To me, it's a VERY personal relationship and not something that can be defined for me by the past or by someone else. I am living now and this now that I am experiencing shapes my belief about God. It almost makes me uneasy to actually say that because for years I had no belief system at all. I simply hadn't decided yet what I believed.
It took me years to reach this self-defined Belief and it's still evolving as I experience more of this life. I'm still writing my own definition. One key aspect that I've discovered and cultivated as part of this evolving experience is my conversation with God. I believe that when I need to I can talk to God and that he gives me the appropriate guidance. That guidance comes to me primarily through intuition and what I describe as following my heart. I've learned to listen with inner "ears" and I've learned to have faith in what I hear and to act on what I hear with confidence knowing it is the "right" thing to do. This is spiritual faith to me.
When I was younger, my ability to listen was there but I hadn't figured out what it was I was listening to so I did things I knew I shouldn't and literally almost paid the highest price a few times. Those experiences combined with other more positive enlightening events, taught me to truly listen and actually hear what my heart was telling me. Now when my heart yearns or my intuition screams, I am all ears. I like the feeling of that. Especially combined with my overall yoga practice. So much of my practice is about letting go - letting go when work gets stressful, letting go when the kids are about to drive me off the edge, letting go on the mat when my mind is only thinking about all the things I should be letting go of. Having this faith, this ability to listen, this belief that everything happens for a reason, really helps in the letting go department.
The problem is that although I listen and hear everything my heart has to say now, I often ignore it. I do things that I know I should not. I ignore my intuition. I hear clearly what it is telling me but I choose, for whatever reason, to simply ignore it. The challenge of this is the burden that creates. It causes me stress to be getting the message but ignoring the meaning.
Having written all this, I now know why I am likely in this phase again and why writing this entry today had to happen and led to these words (everything happens for a reason!). I've been trying to make changes, I've been listening to my heart but have been ignoring what my heart has been telling me. Just last week I basically stated that in my entry. I'm not sure I know why I am doing this but it is clear that this is an important part of my Journey. I think that the more I come back to this in ways such as this, the closer I will come to acting upon what I clearly hearing.
I have to believe that my heart will lead me in the right direction and ultimately to the destination for which I am bound. This is the faith I have. That sounds like destiny to me but I don't believe the future exists yet. Only the present. I have to have faith that the present is taking me where I should be going. Otherwise I am just wandering aimlessly. Believing in my heart and in my intuition gives me a reason to stay in the present and pay attention to what's happening to me and most importantly, it gives me a reason to act.