Why is it so easy to turn on the TV? Why is it so easy to eat what I know I should not or imbibe more than I know I should? Especially knowing that these things are detrimental to my overall yoga practice. Not only do I feel physically poor on my mat because of these things but I feel guilty knowing that I am consciously doing them when I know I should not be. It's a constant struggle for me. I want so much to be pure in every way - mind, body and soul. But temptation, being who she is, can be quite the seductress. And more often than not, it seems I cannot resist her.
When I say pure, I am more or less talking about living a healthy lifestyle which really boils down to eating and drinking what I feel is good for my body and my soul. I also mean having pure thoughts or in other words thinking about good things, motivating things, happy things, that sort of thing. And of course, it means practicing yoga. Achieving such purity, to me, is almost like achieving enlightenment. If I could live a completely pure life, I would be very happy more than most of the time. That's not to say I am unhappy now but I have my moments like everyone else. I was unhappy just this morning. Marcia and I had a little spat and it made me unhappy. But if I had the purity I speak of, I don't think that spat would have happened in the first place. I would have handled the moment much differently than I did.
Maybe I am dreaming. Maybe it's not possible to achieve such a state. People have for thousands of years struggled with this. We read about them in our history books and we actually experience their quest for purity in the modern media. The thing about these people though is that I feel as though I view them through filters. I read a book that a man has written and all I really see is what that man wants me to see through his written word. Some expose their soul and their struggle. Some I feel do this less so and to me are more like imaginary icons. I look at them and sometimes forget they are human and going through the same struggles I am. It's easy to do when all you see is the purity that they want reflected in whatever media they are portraying themselves. The thing is, people like that serve a purpose for me. My interpretation of these people serves a purpose in my Journey. They are tools for me to use as I make my way down my Path.
It sounds contradictory to me but I have respect for these people and I revere these people and I want to be like them precisely because they only show me purity. Or at least my filter only lets through the purity that I want to see in them. But it's good for me. It motivates me to be like what I perceive them to be like. They are my icons. They can do no wrong. And that is exactly what I need them to be for me on this Path.
It's all about transformation. That's sort of what I am all about right now and really have been for some time now. I am on a Path of transformation. Sometimes it is subtle and sometimes it is sudden but it's always the carrot that I am reaching for. Sometimes I feel like that word is overused but it's the right word for what I am talking about. Striving to be pure. Striving to be like those I perceive as being pure. Wanting to be better than I am now in every way. It's an important part of this Journey for me.
So why is it so easy to turn on the TV when I know I should be establishing an individual physical practice? Why is it so easy to eat and drink more than I should? Maybe it's so that once I tranform myself in whatever way I need to and get beyond something like that, I can really feel good about it and really feel like I've taken a big step toward purity. I guess it wouldn't feel like such a big step if it weren't so hard to overcome.