I love this Path I am on. It is what I was born to do. I was created and put on this earth to experience this Path to the fullest. To completely immerse my mind and body in the beauty and complexity of the twists and turns and dead ends that I encounter. I wouldn't choose any other Path than the one I am choosing at this very moment or change any of the steps that I've taken in the past that have led me to this moment of choice. Because ultimately every moment is a choice; a chance to decide where my Path takes me next. It may be that I choose to do something seemingly insignificant but all insignificant moments still add up to progress down the Path so they are not really insignificant after all.
Don't get me wrong though. I have phases. I have moments. I have thoughts of abandoning my Path and finding some new way through this Jungle. Giving up on what I've come to have faith in. Tearing away at the progress I've made because of some hill or valley that I may have encountered. Going around. Turning away. Ignoring the challenge (or opportunity as the case may be).
The thing is though, those challenges always end up leading me where I believe I was or am suppose to end up. Kills me though because I never realize that at the time. Or at least it seems I ignore the fact that I KNOW that to be the case. I usually struggle through the challenge letting it affect my mood in negative ways. And that of course just makes the challenge that much more challenging because it usually introduces other unneccesary stimuli like a pissed off wife for example (which we all know is no friggin' cherry).
Someone said to me the other day that they would NOT go back and re-live High School if they could. I think the basic point was that it was not a good experience for this person. My first reaction was that I would go back without a doubt but ONLY if I could know what I know now. The more I thought about that the more I wondered what I would change and what would be changed for me. And why I felt as though I needed to go back and make changes. What is it that I feel the need to change? If it weren't for the things that have happened to me in my past, I wouldn't be here writing this right now and as I've said before, I am writing this because I feel like I am suppose to be writing this. Where would my Path have led me if I WAS able to go back and make "changes" anyway? Maybe it would have led me here to this moment. Maybe I'd be dead. Maybe I'd be living some other reality I can't begin to imagine. Ultimately it doesn't matter because I can't go back and change anything. I can just go forward knowing what I know and using that as a Tool to find my way.
All of this made me realize that I used to have regrets. There are things I've done and decisions I've made that I cannot change and that I used to wish I could. But not any more. It is what it is. Sometimes I am present and sometimes I am just being led. And if that's the case, I can't have any regrets.
Lately I've felt very happy about the scenery, the smells, the sounds that I've encountered on my current Path. Hence the way in which I started this entry. Things are good and looking up. I'm not sure honestly that much has really changed except for maybe my perspective. One thing I've learned about myself over the years is that I forget to enjoy the Path I'm on until the moments I am experiencing on it are a bit behind me. It's that thing about being present I think. I tend to forget to be here and now because there is always so much there and then to think about. Like being on auto-pilot. But I'm learning and as I do I am finding ways to relax in the pose if you will.
I haven't been to yoga in almost two weeks. Last time I went was to Mara's Sunday Ashtanga class (which I highly recommend as a way to spice up your yoga practice). I didn't go again last week out of necessity (i.e., had a customer keep me past closing), out of pain (Ashtanga, both times I've done it, has left me sore in ways I've never been sore before) and lastly because of overindulgence (went to a party Saturday night, didn't eat, got drunk, was hungover). Didn't go last night because I was not feeling right and am not feeling right today. Marcia says I probably NEED to go. I am thinking I don't care. I can always go Thursday. But what happens if I don't feel right again on Thursday?
I don't know if I've talked about this before but I tend to try to "listen" to my Path. Sort of like feeling the road when you are driving or tuning a guitar. When things don't feel right, I make adjustments. I think I am going to skip yoga tonight. I don't know why but I am going to go with that. Maybe I'll find that I have some new perspective on my mat once I return to it. Maybe I'll find I have a new or different appreciation for what it is I do on my mat and why I do it. Maybe I'll suddenly be able to do standing splits (yeah, I know ... unlikely). Who knows. Like I said, I'm just going to go with it and I am NOT going to regret it.