I remember swinging on a swing set with a friend in 5th grade in the school yard of my elementary school in Heidelberg, Germany singing the verse from "Another Bring in the Wall" by Pink Floyd that goes "We don't need no education." At the time, it was just a song that fit a trouble-making little boy's attitude toward school. It was fun and funny, the day was sunny and we were just ignorant kids. As I grew older though, I began to understand some of the meaning behind Roger Waters lyrical poem. I grew to appreciate the emotional meaning of that entire album more than I probably should have. I began to relate, or probably more likely force myself to relate, to the pain and the loss of the person behind The Wall.
I began to build my own wall during that time of my life. I believe its foundation might have begun when I was a very young child when my parents divorced and I experienced the disappointment and loss of attention and presence of my biological father. As I grew older, I added brick after brick by turning away from what I felt was good and right by escaping in various destructive ways. I focused on being unhappy rather than appreciating what happiness there was surrounding me. I think I believed that by escaping to what I thought were happier places, I would become happier. What I didn't realize is that it just made me more unhappy. There were environmental circumstances that I know influenced my direction but I made no effort to face those stimuli and instead followed a path I knew was not the one I should have been on.
Over time, my wall began to get tall. But like any wall, the older it and I got and the taller it got, the weaker it became. I started to notice holes and began to look through those holes to see what I would find. I was pretty amazed at what I found. I found that there were parts of me that had been hidden behind sections of my wall. As I discovered these things, I also discovered tools to help me break down those walls and begin to make bigger holes that I could begin to climb through. It took a lot of time and I believe that I am still fighting to tear down certain parts of my wall. But I continue to make progress and believe that I have made the most progress ever over the past few years.
In those past few years, my life has taken turns on my path that did not allow me to foresee what was around the bend. Not that I can see the future but in some of lifes postures, you tend to know what to expect and in these instances, I had no clue what to expect. But I DID know that these twists and turns felt good. They felt right going in so I gripped the wheel, held on tight and trusted the bank of each curve to carry me through to the next straightaway. So far, each of these turns has pretty much been followed rather quickly by another. I haven't had much time on any straightaways lately. But don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, I am just observing my path and the scenery and enjoying the ride.
What's interesting to me is that most of this came after I faced and truly began to tear down the wall of fear I had built in many parts of my life. Before that effort began, I probably would not have had the courage to write this entry. And I more than likely would still be living in Virginia, working in front of a desk rather than owning my own business. Fear, in my opinion, is the strongest and most destructive of emotions. It can keep me from growing and keep me from shining and keep me from loving and keep me from being who I am meant to be. The more progress I have made at ripping down my bricks of fear and shattering them against my wall, the more I have made progress in my life in every respect.
I have to admit that expressing this has brought tears to my eyes. I am a man but I am human more importantly. I now know what it's like to face fear and the positive momentum that can be created by doing so. It's almost overwhelming.
However, I have more work to do. I still fear judgement. I still fear failure although much less than in the past. I fear that I am not good enough for my wife or my daughters or my family. I fear that I will never be able to let go of certain things. Things that I know I NEED to let go of. These are what remain of my wall. These I think are the foundation of my own personal wall. I think some of them have compressed over time and may be deep down in emotional ground that is me, pressed down from the weight of my wall all these years. But I am optimistic. I believe in myself even while fearing that I might not ever be able to overcome these remaining fears. All I can do is follow the path that I am being led down, with faith that it will lead me where I am meant to be, knowing that it has done so with amazing results so far and trusting that it will continue to do so.