In my last entry, I talked about tearing down walls in my life and how I have begun to slowly tear down one particullarly thick wall - my wall of fear - and how that has had significant positive impact in my life. I've been thinking a lot about that and about the other remaining walls in my life and especially the foundation of each. Some of them I don't understand. Some of them I don't want to face (damn that fear). Some of them I am standing beneath as they loom over my head yet I do nothing about them, not scared just indifferent or unmotivated. Others I think I may not even know exist yet.
In any case, for some reason, this part of my journey has made me think a lot about what I have and what I don't have. I think mainly because these things I call my walls are generally deeply rooted in parts of my life that I don't like or are painful in some way. I have realized that I have been focusing on these more negative things. I know that I've realized some very positive things by facing these negatives but I think I've forgotten that I have things that I could use to potentially help me tear these walls down more quickly if I only shift my perspective.
A few weeks ago, I began writing some letters to my family. Letters that I hope will not be read by anyone else for a very long time. I saved them on my computer in a folder named "ONLY TO BE READ UPON MY DEATH." In this folder are these letters that contain words of love, encouragement, happiness, hope and apoligies for actions I have taken and would not be taking if I were more consistently present in my life. I don't really know what prompted me to write the letters. Maybe it had to do with the phase I was going through not so long ago of being very conscious of my mortality while driving at high speed down the road. Maybe it was the weight of guilt.
What I've realized is that much of the intent that I wrote into those letters is regarding things I should be expressing to the people I love NOW, not after I am dead. That love and appreciation and encouragement and hope and all the good things that make us feel good about loving and being loved is what I should be using to shift my perspective. It's what I should be using to help me tear down more walls and what I should be shouting from the tops of the piles of rubble that I create as I tear my walls down. It's not that I don't express these things but I realized that I should live my life every second from the perspective of these expressions. I should be living and expressing my life in such a way so that there will be no need and no question about what I feel for those I love once I am gone and therefore no need for these letters I have written.
I think it's much easier for me to sit here and write this than it will be to make it my reality but being conscious of the change I seek is the first step toward making that change a reality in my life. So this is my "first" step toward this new perspective that I seek in my life. A perspective that I hope will take me further down the path I am meant to travel. I call it a first step and realize that I like the way that sounds. I think that taking first steps should be my constant goal. Finding ways to make my life more complete and the lives of those I love more bright by seeking first steps in new and positive directions in my life.
Having said that, I will now take my second step on this new path. To all of my family and friends, I want you to know that I love you, that I am thankful for you more than you likely know, that I am sorry for anything I have done or do in the future that may make you question this, and that you truly all mean very much to me in very meaningful ways in my life. More importantly, you are my life, because without you, I would not have a reason to live. Thank you.
This will likely be my last entry for a while. I am in the retail business after all and things are getting busy going into my peak time of year. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!