Gratitude

When I was younger, I believed that my reality was created by the circumstances, stimuli and people that surrounded me. I thought that people and events shaped my existence and my views on the world. I thought the past was my future. I did not realize this at the time but in hindsight, that is definitely the way I viewed the world. I did not feel in control of myself. I did not feel that I could do anything about the circumstance imposed upon me by all these outside stimuli. I have only recently begun to realize how completely wrong I was.

I now realize that my reality, my life, is a direct result of the way in which I choose to view it. It sounds so simple doesn't it? But it's not. At least not for me. I am only now, at the tender age of 33, recognizing the power of choice and how truly difficult it is to make the "right" choices every second of the day. I am also realizing how closely connected that is to being present.

There was a time in my life when I did not want to be alive. Actually there were a few times. The first time was when I was pretty young and I think I was too scared to truly act on my desire. My friend Mike killed himself. Or at least at the time we all believed he had. I later found out it was an accident. But in any case, he was a great friend and it really impacted me. I'd already started down a path of sadness and it only served to further my travel on that path.

The second time was when I was still quite young but quite a bit older than the first time. I've come to realize that I did not die the second time around because by then I'd started to believe in myself in ways I hadn't for a while. I had also started to believe in something More. The specific circumstances of the second time don't matter. Suffice it to say it was an accident during that period of my life when I was practicing my previously discussed distructive behaviors in full force.

I was lucky the second time around. Although I've actually come to believe that I was saved. That accident served to cement in me the foundation of a belief that has been growing steadily since and has very recently only begun to bloom. It is that belief that everything happens for a reason and that we are not alone if we only believe and accept and be grateful.

I have now started to become so comfortable with this that I've simply and finally, truly begun to live like I don't think I ever have before. It's allowed me to face many of the things I have discussed in this space and to make a change I've been seeking for some time. It's lifted a weight from my shoulders that I knew I was carrying but had not realized its burden on me.

I used to regret my past. I used to regret the mistakes that I have made. But now I know it's all for a reason and that simply supports my new found simple truth. And more than anything I now know that simple truth has a lot to do with gratitude. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for every aspect of my life - including my past and all the mistakes I've made.