Letting Go

Have you ever had one of those weeks (or days or months) where everything just seems out of whack and things just don't go your way? I am (hopefully) just ending a week like that. It started the second I walked in the door of my shop on Monday morning and has continued through until at least just a few minutes ago.

I don't get this phenomenon. I did not tell myself it was "one of those weeks" until just yesterday after multiple different events caused me to come to that conclusion. So I don't believe I brought it on myself after just the first event by deciding at that point that it was "one of those weeks" (you know, law of attraction kind of thing).

Anyway, I've decided it's over even though I can't wait for the week to truly be over at 4 p.m. today. I've decided that next week is going to be awesome in every way. I will let you know how it goes.

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On another note, I had a dream last night. It was not a good dream. I dreamt that Marcia and I were together but had decided to see other people at the same time. It was a cold kind of thing that I pretty much hate. I think its genesis was from a TV show we watched about some parents getting separated. Anyway, it was a gut wrenching dream. I was eating lunch and was watching Marcia chat and smile and be with another man. She was wearing the kind of thing she tends to wear to bed - yoga pants and a skimpy little top. She looked like she had just gotten out of bed - no make-up (not that she wears any all that much anyway), hair all dishevelled - you know, she looked fucking gorgeous. I was in so much pain. That was my girl, looking the way that normally she only lets me see her and she was happy and from my point of view, in love with another man.

Dude.

I don't know what that is about but I do know it reminded me of how much and how desparately I love my girl. She is my sun and my stars and the ground on which I walk. She brings me to my life and my life is better because she is a part of it. I cannot imagine this reality without her being a part of it.

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One last thing. I need to confess something to the universe. This is a follow up to a post I made not so long ago where I confessed to something I knew I needed to and vowed to figure out a way to someday do something about what I did in my past that will make me feel like I am rectifying that event. I haven't figured out what that is yet but in any case, I have another confession with which I will try to do the same someday. Maybe just confessing this stuff is enough. I don't know.

Anyway, when I was in 6th or 7th grade, I lived in Germany. There was this girl who I think had a German father and an American mother (or vise versa). She was quiet. She was very homely. I don't even remember her name. My friends and I always made fun of her on the bus rides to and from home - not every day but too often. We all know what I am talking about. Well, one day we all really ganged up on her. Calling her names, making fun of her and generally making her miserable. We thought it was funny. She of course, ran sobbing from the bus once we finally got to her stop. I can still remember it very clearly.

I know at the time I felt bad. Yet I did it anyway. I still don't know why because I know that I am not a bad person. It was just one of those things where I got caught up in what I thought my friends thought was "right" and they were doing the exact same thing.

I am very sorry for doing this. It's obviously bothered me since I did it because every once in a while I think about it. And I wonder where that girl is and if she is happy and how that moment affected her and if it still does the way it does me.