Confessions of a Bad Yogi

OK, I admit it. I am a bad yogi. Not that I ever really claimed to be a good one, mind you. But I want to put this out to the Universe in an attempt to reconcile it with my guilt because sometimes my guilt is a load that weakens my fortitude and when that happens, things like fear and sadness begin to creep in. You see, I really want to be a good yogi and I honestly believe that in most ways I am. I believe and feel that I am good person but I am after all, human. It's just that the hardest things to change are really the smallest, superficially easiest to change. And that's where the guilt and the prayers come in and the fears and sadness begin to grow.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. Many of them I still have yet to face up to emotionally. Thankfully I believe that those mistakes were necessary in order for me to become who I am at this moment. They are the Bricks in my Foundation and they keep me standing through all the mistakes I continue to make. The mortar between those bricks is the perseverance and the faith that are what make me who I am spiritually. Unfortunately, I make more mistakes every day - many of which are ones I made yesterday - and these are the cracks in my foundation.

So I am not perfect. Who is, right? But the idea of perfection is a sweet and attractive notion. A temptress that is not easily ignored. We worship Gods that we believe and hold as perfect and through that belief we strive to emulate those Gods so that we can be more god-like. We honor and promote those that collectively we believe are perfect on the covers of magazines and in the broader halls of fame. But ultimately we create this perfection in our own minds from refined and polished visions that reveal only superficial characteristics of these idols. Ultimately we don't know anything more than these superficial characteristics so we shape these idols in our own image because it feels good to do so and because it's our nature.

Then we compare ourselves to them. And for me, this is where it gets ugly.

I often find myself - in a moment of anger or lust or indulgence - feeling guilt that I am allowing that moment to happen. And pretty much every time after I've lost my connection to what is good and right, I feel that guilt. I find myself thinking about the definition of what is good and right and comparing myself to that and to the idols that I hold on my alter of Perfection and noting the divergence that is me. Personally, it sometimes overwhelms me. The guilt is often more than I can handle and unfortunately, that often leads to more mistakes and a vicious cycle of more guilt.

I don't know how to remedy this scenario. It happens to me often. Almost always over those little things that should be so easy to fix. But I do know one thing, in the short time that I have been practicing yoga, my ability to do right - for lack of a better description - has improved immensely and continues to do so as my practice strengthens. I have a long way to go when it comes to the practice of yoga but every step takes me closer to a place of contentment and solitude. Every moment that I remember to practice my yoga brings me closer to God.

My favorite definition of religion is this; a system of beliefs and practices concerned with sacred things and or symbols uniting individuals into a single moral community. Yoga for me is a religion. It is a spiritual practice that combined with the best parts of other religions brings me closer to my God. I love the practice of yoga because it creates a united community focused on spiritual development through the practice of yoga. I am sacred because God made me. I am the "sacred thing" in that definition of religion. Through the practice of yoga and through the practice of worshiping my sacred self, I become stronger and I repair the cracks and add to my foundation. Yoga is my cornerstone upon which my foundation grows stronger. Yoga is the way I learn to do right.