Seeking My Authentic Self

Some time ago, I wrote to you about a vision and goal I have for my spiritual present and future. It is the way in which I imagine I might reach my own definition of enlightenment. It revolves around moving through life carried by the winds of change, relaxed and centered in the sailcloth of my God's purpose for me. I've been very focused on experiencing this vision and have been using gratitude as a primary means by which to achieve it. So far, so good I think but not without struggle. I have been particularly struggling with something that I seem to be more acutely aware of in myself and in others now. That being the search for ones own authenticity and the courage to reflect to the world what one finds in this search.

I have begun, through this process, to fully appreciate my own imperfection while also beginning to fully understand my own uniqueness and value in this life. It's an interesting juxtaposition and has given me a perspective that has made me very aware of the struggles that we all face on this Path. I look around and see symptoms of it everywhere - in the cars we drive, in the clothes we wear, in the words we use to express ourselves, in the religious and political views we choose to adopt. The list goes on but it is clear what I am referring to - our natural tendency and need to be accepted.

I am not being judgmental in this observation or critical of our behavior. I am simply observing and then seeking a new Path. One that reveals a way to find my own authenticity. Because I am human and these are things I struggle with too.

We tend to adopt objects and ideas that reflect who we want to be but also reflect what we see others wanting to be and what we believe others want us to be as well. Especially those that we deem successful or famous or insightful or charismatic or whatever we essentially idolize. In the extreme I think this sometimes leads to what we would describe as a cult. People adopting wholeheartedly the views, mores, and culture of one or many that they believe they want to be like or who are like them but in a purer form. On the other extreme I see this leading to events like Virginia Tech where someone, in all his humanness, was seeking acceptance and in not finding, walked a Path of horrible destruction.

Somewhere in between is the happy medium where most of us find ourselves. We want to feel accepted as part of the larger community but we also want to express and truly feel our uniqueness. After all, we have evolved as a communal being but at the same time, through consciousness, have an innate need and desire to be the Self that only we can be. There is no other Self like ourselves.

I have definitely become aware of my own struggle with this. On one hand I want to be accepted and to fit in. On the other, I want to be unique and quite honestly, different. This has always been my Path. But in pursuing my own authenticity as defined by me, I find that I am scared because I don't want to go so far as to be ridiculed. But then I realize that ultimately I should not care. Does it really matter what others think of me or how they may perceive me? I think not, yet my heart and my mind tell me otherwise. 'Tis human nature I think.

I want to be my authentic self without risk. This is the ultimate desire and the ultimate challenge. How to be authentic within the confines of who I am physically. It is a spiritual mountain that must be climbed using the limits of my physical being. I think that at the peak lies clarity to the answer to this question.

As I climb, I have some thoughts on the matter. Mainly dealing with how to use yoga to become my authentic self. Since yoga has a guidebook that I believe is applicable to almost any pursuit one choose to undertake, I will use it as a guide in seeking this peak of clarity.

In the first chapter of the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali states that "yoga begins with discipline." Ok, well, that makes sense and is quite obvious for any practice. But due to it's obviousness, it's easy to forget and due to our humanness, we tend to forget in the moment that being in the moment is about discipline. He then states that "yoga is control of thoughts and feelings." So we need to be disciplined about controlling our thoughts and feelings. I get that. I see that is being the foundation to this climb.

In the second chapter, in describing Ashtanga yoga, Patanjali introduces the Yamas. The one most relevant to me in this climb is that of Satya or truth. In Sanskrit, truth is defined as "all that takes you closer to sat (i.e. almighty god) is satya (i.e. the real truth)." So in this context it's not truth as in telling the truth to a friend, although that is an aspect of it, but truth as in acting and thinking in ways that truly bring you closer to your God. In my mind, since God made me, anything I do to be more myself is taking me closer to my God because I am becoming more of what God intended me to become. This I see as the cornerstone.

So I must be disciplined in controlling my thoughts and feelings while being "truthful" to myself and in my life. Combine this with Aparigraha (abstention from possessions) and the Niyama of Svadhyaya (self study) and I begin to see a path to the summit. These are the bricks along with the rest of the sutras but to me, in this context, the most important of them all.

I see Aparigraha not as abstention from material possessions alone but more importantly abstention from mental possessions. Possessions of mind. Possessions that coerce me to believe that I need to be a certain way or more obviously, need to acquire certain objects in order to be perceived in a certain way.

And ultimately I see self study or Svadhyaya as what I do when I write to you. And what I do when I ponder these things. And what I do when I practice yoga. And so on. Self study, if done consistently and in my opinion correctly, is ceaseless.

So through yoga, practiced in a traditional sense, I can begin to achieve my authentic self. I am not certain if I believe that in this physical form I can truly ever reach this authentic state I imagine and pursue. But I believe, like the rest of this life, that God meant it to be this way so that we would always be seeking our Path and in so doing, finding new Paths and cresting new peaks that then lead us to new and taller mountains. Ultimately, I think the authentic self lies in the moment where discipline of thought and feeling meet perfectly with truthfulness as previously defined. I think, due to human nature and the barriers of our physical being, that authenticity is flighty. But through practice, I do think I can begin to describe my authentic Self and cultivate that which God meant to be.