A Yoga Journey with Robb

Culmination

2008-03-15T09:48:00.001-05:00

OK, so after much experimentation and deliberation, I have decided that my creative endeavors are best served using my new space rather than in the previous three separate spaces I was writing and posting to. Going forward, it will be my home on the web. It will allow me the most creative flexibility and will NOT be just about my Yoga Journey or just about my photography or just about my spiritual search. It will now be all encompassing as I have found that all these endeavors are related anyway so I might as well bring them together in a more cohesive space. Namaste.

The Weight of the World

2008-02-26T13:43:00.026-05:00

Have you ever felt like the entire weight of the world was resting squarely, emotionally and unwaveringly upon your frail and tired shoulders? It can be easy to let yourself feel this way in this consumer driven, debt laden culture that we live in. Bills to pay, children to raise, cars to maintain, relationships to deal with, ego to battle, and jobs to succeed in so that all these things can continue to get handled the best that we possibly can.

It's been a very long time since I've felt this way myself. But this very morning I had a few moments where I felt as though I was standing at the base of a very tall cliff that I was being forced to climb. I could not see any hand holds for my climb to even begin, let alone progress beyond the point I was at. And to top it off, I not only had that weight on my shoulders but I also felt wolves nipping at my heals. Well ... at least that's the description of the emotional state I was experiencing. The reality is, as is always the case, much less dramatic.

I believe that in a weaker state, I might have let the world crush me in those moments this morning. Grind me into itty bitty little pieces and spit me out on the sidewalk where everything could then walk all over me. Thankfully, the Universe has provided me with prior guidance leading up to this that in those very moments was already reminding me that the weight was but a figment of my active and at that moment, over reactive imagination. Not only that but the Universe seems to always provide me with exactly what I need in the moments that I am in need. For example, Bob Marley sings right now as I write this:

So much trouble in the world now Bless my eyes this morning JAH sun is on the rise once again The way earthly things are going Anything can happen

I am not certain that he meant those words in his own context the way that I am utilizing them now but that matters naught. In this moment, I am reminded by Bob that anything can happen and that the Sun is on the rise once again. This is true every day even though there is so much trouble in this world. Trouble in every moment if we forget that JAH Sun is on the rise once again.

This weight of the world that I had just this morning resting upon my shoulders is not defined by the circumstances that I perceive to be causing the placement of said weight but by the way in which I define and view those circumstances.

I must be hard headed. I must be stubborn. I must be an idiot. For the life of me, no matter how much I write and philosophize, no matter how many times Bob sings to me, I can't seem to find the comfort that I know a confident faith can bring to me. I just keep stumbling down my Path trying to find more Tools to help me get further down my Path when I know in my heart that all I need is that faith.

When will I learn? What must I do? When will that faith find it's security, its home in that place just to the right of my heart where my soul resides?

And to top it all off, Bob sings in the background:

Why do you look so sad and forsaken? Don't you know, when one door is closed, many more is opened?

The Hardest Practice of All

2008-02-01T22:40:00.007-05:00

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Every moment has meaning. And our purpose here is to find that meaning or to squander the opportunity to do so, whichever we choose. And yes, choice is a critical part of this Game. Each of us can choose to be conscious of the search for the meaning of the now or we can essentially choose to be lost to our selves, which is to say, to live life behind the thinly veiled but considerably obscuring ego. I don't believe we are predestined but I do believe that the choices we make are our own and that those choices create our future as they are made according to our purpose which is to figure out the meaning of every moment. It's a very complicated formula that I by no means am sure I have or ever will completely figure out and clearly one that requires a large degree of faith.

This entire aspect of our existence is unbelievably interesting to me but what I find the most interesting is that we can so easily fall pray to the ego while searching for meaning. Even in faith, in believing in the Search and seeking the Truth, we can end up farther from the meaning than when we started by listening to or more importantly, allowing the ego to guide our thoughts and actions.

We clearly are not our egos. We are not in our Hearts the reactive, jealous, insecure thoughts that our egos throw at us much of the time.

I often struggle with this. I find myself, that is to say my ego, attempting to justify things that I know in my Heart are not the right things for me to be doing. For example, eating several wonderfully creamy Trader Joe's "oreo" cookies and justifying it by saying "Oh, it's OK Robb, you've been practicing a lot lately so it doesn't matter." When I know in the back of mind I am thinking how these several cookies are actually hindering my progress toward the goals I have with my practice. If I don't eat the cookies consistently, and by extension of this particular practice, don't eat the chips or drink the soda or whatever, I will get closer to achieving those goals much more quickly. The risk here is that this behavior, let to run out of control, could be extended to much larger and much more destructive things in ones life.

Imagine if you lived your life not only listening to your ego and nothing else but then doing exactly what your ego prompted you to do in every moment it so prompted. Eat this. Drink that. Buy those. Talk about that. React now. Jump off a building. You would live a sad life I think. You would likely have no friends, no money, no family, nothing. All because at it's core, the ego is a very insecure and ultimately unfriendly bedfellow.

Ultimately, the hardest practice is not the physical practice of yoga but the practice of living life as if you had no ego. Truly living life with no fear. Not only no fear of life itself but no fear of being the love that burns in all of us in our Heart of Hearts. And radiating that love without worry that we will be judged for doing so or without worry that we will be hurt for letting our "walls" down. The thing I love the most about the physical practice of yoga is that it gives me an opportunity every time I take a class to practice this hardest practice of all. It helps me to stoke that fire that is the love that resides at the core of my Being.

Right vs. Wrong

2008-01-24T11:59:00.003-05:00

I sometimes find myself facing personal or business situations where I must choose between what is seemingly right and wrong. Unfortunately, most of the time in these situations, especially in business, I feel that it is impossible or at a minimum difficult to know for sure what is the correct choice. What I might perceive in one moment to be a wrong choice could very easily, in some future hindsight, reveal itself as the right choice. Contrarily at other times, when I can't bring myself to make a choice and instead decide to do nothing, I could easily find out that doing nothing was exactly the wrong thing to be doing.

Complicating all of this sometimes, and further blurring these sticky situations, is often the definition behind these right and wrong choices. It is frequent that I wonder if I am being thorough in my definitions of what is "right" or "wrong." It's simply not always clear what path is the path I should be on.

This is just another aspect of what we call the human condition. With our consciousness comes the ability to analyze and use logic in our decision making. Add to that the fact that we all look with some amount of fear at times to the unknown of the future and the unpredictability of our lives and what a condition it truly reveals itself to be.

Furthermore, our emotions and emotional attachements often lead us astray or at a minimum often get in the way. We are human. And being human in our human condition, we feel. That is what life is. It is feelings. Those feelings cause us so much trouble at times though. Especially when we are faced with these situations where we must decide right from wrong. Our emotions can lead us in a direction that logic may tell us is not the "right" direction and vice versa. Logic and emotion are, suffice it to say, strange bedfellows.

I have learned that for me, it takes a process of compartmentalization in order to get as close as I can to a sense of direction. That and faith. Faith is just another word for confidence. So when I confidentally compartmentalize situations, I find myself feeling as much a sense of direction as is possible for these types of situations. I mostly still don't truly know what the "right" choice is but at least I know I feel like I am making the best choice possible.

Most importantly, given that I often feel that my definitions of "right" and "wrong" are incomplete at best, I believe that using ones own internal guidance system - that inner voice that we all talk to and converse with everyday - is truly the best way to seal the deal on these types of choices. No matter how much I draw lines in the sands of my mind, I always end up in some kind of dialogue with my inner guidance system over whether or not I've drawn the right lines in the right places.

At the end of the day though, when the choices have been made, what really matters the most is that faith. Faith that my inner dialogue has been complete. Faith that no matter what, the Universe is good and everything happens for a reason. Faith that nothing is final. Faith that God must be a forgiving God given that this human condition does not clearly reveal to us the "right" choices. Faith that no matter what, everything will be OK.

Non-Attachment

2008-01-04T11:19:00.004-05:00

I have learned something interesting and enlightening about myself recently that is a new characteristic for me. It has not yet truly been put to the test but it is being poked and prodded at the moment. It has to do with my attachment to material, and even non-material, things in my life. And it is has come up for reasons that have yet to even remotely manifest but are reasons that could very possibly come to pass.

I have tended in the past to be very attached to objects, pursuits and emotional states that I have invested myself or my time in. These have included former jobs, former girlfriends, former states of mind, etc. I am quite sure that I still am attached to many things but I know for certain that it's much less than in my past.

I know this because it's been a very important part of my yoga practice. In my practice, both the physical and the spiritual, I force myself to let go of any investment I may have in a particular "pose." If one day I move strongly and deeply into warrior and feel that my hips and feet and entire body are "in the zone," I don't then the next day expect that to happen again or when it does not, let myself get agitated because I happen to not be in that zone that day. I have finally trained myself to see these type of things as they are - as they are.

The future and the unknown nature of the future are what has stimulated this realization. Marcia and I both have chosen a path that makes the future even more difficult to handle than in previous phases of our lives. We have staked ourselves on the success of us and of the fickle nature of the consumer economy we live in. Right now, we seem to be in a phase where that fickle nature is being just that - fickle. Only time will tell how fickle or even if that nature will impact us in any way. But this is the first time since we've ventured out on our own that we may be facing a period of time that could test our resolve to be our own bosses.

My reaction to the possibility that we could be in for a test has been very interesting. Instead of reacting with fear and the stress that fear produces, I have quite naturally reacted by continuously generating a list of the possibilities and opportunities that are available to us no matter what may happen. Even if the worst case scenarios were to play out - which of course, they never will - I now know of countless paths that we could take.

Suffice it to say that I now am confident that in this reality, at any moment on our Path, there are always countless forks in the Road.

All of this has reminded me of a quote I came across not so long ago that really inspired my progress in this area. I think it's one to truly ponder and see how it applies to your life.

"So long as we believe in our heart of hearts that our capacity is limited and we grow anxious and unhappy, we are lacking in faith. One who truly trusts in God has no right to be anxious about anything."

~ Paramahansa Yogananda

Namaste.

Happy Holidays

2007-12-21T12:52:00.002-05:00

May the roads rise to meet you.
May the wind be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
The rain fall soft upon your fields
And, until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

A Gaelic Blessing

Eggs on the Wall

2007-12-04T22:40:00.006-05:00

I have a few eggs on my mind that I need to just throw against this wall so this may not be the most cohesive entry I've ever made but what the hay. I do what feels right and generally speaking that always seems to lead me in the direction I am supposed to go. Which is a funny thing 'cause that is just "The Secret" at work. Anyway, about those eggs ...

The first thing is regarding an event that happened in my life just this morning. Our girls like to ride the bus to school. For us that means getting up at 6:00 frickin' a.m. to be at the bus stop by about 6:35 frickin' a.m. as opposed to one of us dropping them off which would mean getting up at 7:00 a.m. That I can handle. Clearly the girls REALLY like riding the bus because we have basically told them that they have to get up with their alarms, get dressed and then come wake us up. Amazingly, they have done this almost every day since we started this ritual.

Now, if it isn't clear, 6:00 frickin' a.m. is might as well be 2:00 frickin' a.m. for me. I am not a get up smiling kind of person. I like to sleep. When I wake up, I'd pretty much rather be asleep. It's not that I am a jerk or grumpy (at least not most of the time), I just don't like getting up in the morning. Marcia isn't quite as bad but she likes to sleep too. So clearly we struggle with the 6:00 frickin' a.m. thing. As a compromise, we take turns letting each other sleep in. I guess we really love each other.

So anyway, this morning was my turn to sleep in. However, at least for me, sleeping in on school days is not really sleeping in. It's more like dozing in. Mainly due to the fact that our bedroom is 5 feet from the kitchen which in the morning is where about 50% of the getting ready takes place. So this morning I am dozing in and I hear one of the girls go out into the garage. I was assuming whoever it was was going out to get shoes. I was wrong. A second or three later I heard my car door shut and a short beep from my horn. When you lock my doors and shut them, my car beeps. My keys were in my car. Not only that but the spare key was too. I immediately had a complete and full understanding of the situation at hand.

Now, not long ago, even as little as several months ago, this would have caused sun-like degrees of agitation in my mind. I more than likely would have immediately gotten out of bed with the attitude that my day was now going to be all f'ed up because of course how the hell was I going to get my car unlocked. It would not have been good. However, this morning was not several months ago. This morning was a new day. A lovely, grateful day. Instead of reacting essentially in any way, I just sort of said to myself "Oh well, I'll figure it out" and basically tried to doze back off pondering what the figuring would consist of but all-in-all not all that worried about it.

Unfortunately, I heard Melissa's reaction to the whole thing which was one of sadness because apparently Mommy told her quite sternly how upset I was going to be when I found out. And who can blame her? I'm an ass sometimes. That made me feel bad. But it also made me conscious of how I was reacting THIS time to THIS situation.

Shortly after that I did doze back off as the girls left for the bus stop and the warmth and darkness of our bedroom overtook me again. A short while later, Marcia returned and was getting herself coffee which kind of woke me up again so I decided to finally get up. Upon entering the kitchen, the dialog was thus.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," Marcia replied slightly frowning.

"What?" I said.

"Wellll ... Melissa locked your keys in your car." She said.

"I know." I said.

She paused, looking at me sort of sideways. "You know?" she asked somewhat incredulously.

"Yep."

"Aren't you mad?"

"No. Why would I be mad? I'll figure it out."

We then proceeded to sit, drinking coffee and enjoying each others company for about 30 minutes. It was quite nice. The whole time I just kept thinking, "I'll figure it out."

When it was time for Marcia to get ready to go to the studio, I decided it was time for me to "figure it out." My car is a Subaru Outback. On the model I have, the windows just so happen to essentially press against a rubber seal along the sides. The top slides up into a molding channel but the sides are basically exposed. The great thing about this is it allows one to wedge things like screwdrivers under the glass and get a tiny bit of a gap to appear. It's not much but enough to get a hanger through which was the plan I had essentially hatched in the back of mind whilst dozing and sipping coffee. What I didn't think about was the distance from where I had to stick the hanger under the window to where the tiny, itsy-bitsy little door lock button lever was. I was able to get the hanger in there but it simply wasn't rigid enough over that distance to do me much good.

I must admit that at one point, briefly, the "F" word did leave my mouth. However, instead of going with that, you know what I did? I stopped myself and basically told myself that that wouldn't do me any damn good. So I proceeded.

I went back to the closet, found a mutant hanger that was like three times the thickness of normal hangers (must have been made in the U.S.A. before Chinese imports). I took that hanger, bent it out to the shape I wanted and started threading it along with my original Chinese hanger into my car. My goal at this point was to simply get the two hangers as close to the door locking mechanism as possible so that I could assess whether or not this scheme was even going to have a chance in hell of working.

Funny thing happened. I was focused completely and utterly on the point of insertion when "ka-chung," my doors unlocked.

I reached down, opened the door to the sound of paint stirers and hangers and a screwdriver hitting the ground. I smiled and walked back inside leaving my door open and my paraphernalia sprawling. It was beautiful.

Moral of the story? Patience. That's it. Well, and gratitude too because get this - I then proceeded to be grateful that Melissa had done this wonderful thing for me. It was a great morning!

Alrighty then. On to another egg.

I've been approaching my spiritual practice in a new way in the last week or so. I had a realization that maybe because I am 34 or maybe because I am human that many of the things that I wish were different about me are not going to be easy (or maybe impossible) to change. This has been a frustrating admission for me to face but one I have reluctantly turned to.

What I've decided is that instead of trying to re-train myself on these various bad habits I have, I am going to try and create and maintain an awareness of myself that is not me. Well, it's me but it's me looking at myself, watching, waiting and politically correctly giving me pointers and suggestions when the other me does things I don't think are spiritually in line with my Path. I figure it's easy to train a new dog rather than trying to train an old dog.

I like this and so far it seems to be working. I think this morning was a good example.

I was going to throw a few more eggs but I think I'll save them for next time.

Purpose (An Essay)

2007-11-15T22:00:00.003-05:00

A few months ago I told Marcia that I wanted to take a trip. I had an old familiar urge to go to the mountains alone and camp out for a weekend - hiking, taking photographs and generally seeking spiritual solitude. Sitting next to a fire in the Blue Ridge night alone just felt right. I don't really know what prompted it. I think I felt the need for a creative binge as it's been some time since I've been able to truly spread my creative wings. Maybe I just needed an extended meditation. Whatever the case, shortly after speaking it, I basically forgot about it until recently. More on that topic later.

Lately, I've found myself lost in thought quite often. Which is interesting for several reasons. First of all, my spiritual Path has poked and prodded me to be conscious of the Now. I am consistently trying to remember to NOT get lost in my thoughts. Secondly, I just last week finished reading "Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman. If you haven't read it, suffice it to say it's all about being Present. And finally, I generally am one to naturally NOT get lost in thought. Even just driving down the road, I am often distracted by the Now. Sometimes its a beautiful tree or an interesting house, other times a hawk at 300 yards in the passenger side rearview mirror flying 6 inches off the ground with a field mouse in its beak (I have eagle eyes for animals when I am driving, just ask Marcia) but most often I just naturally come back to how unbelievable it is to be alive. You know - DEEP BREATH followed by that full body spiritual WOW! feeling.

Much of these lost-in-thought episodes have revolved around doubt and fear. Yes! Fear! That old bitch of an enemy that I haven't written about much for quite some time. For some reason, when I get lost in thought more than usual, I begin to have doubts, and then I begin to feel fear (or maybe it's the other way around) and when I begin to have fear, I tend to get lost in thought even more often. I begin to play out scenarios, go over plans, revisit decisions, contemplate future possibilities, and so on. It's one of those behaviors that tends to feed on itself.

Throughout all of this I've also been struggling with Purpose. What is my Purpose? Why am I here? What does God intend for me to do while I am here? Am I doing what God intends? Am I missing the Point? Should I be doing something else? What if I was supposed to take that other Path that I turned away from not so long ago? What if I'm lost?

You get the picture. It all kind of inconveniently fits together nicely actually. Maybe it's ultimately all the same thing but I don't have the capacity to label it for what it truly is. The being lost leads to getting more lost which leads to doubt and fear (or fear and doubt, take your pick) which leads to questions about Purpose. What is my goddamned Purpose? Where the hell am I headed on this Path? Am I going to trip and fall and if I do, will I be able to get up?

Thankfully I have this wonderful habit of picking up and reading books or watching movies when they are most appropriate to my progress - or lack thereof I guess - on my spiritual Path. Recently, as I stated before, I read "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" which for one, is not a new manuscript by any means nor is it's popularity new either, it just happened to be that Marcia had it, was going to give it away and I decided to place it next to my bed for the future (in a stack of about 20 other books). It sat there for several weeks before I somewhat randomly picked it up and began to read it. I finished it in three successive evenings of reading. I loved it. For whatever Reason, it was exactly what I needed to help with this recent pattern of getting lost in my Forest. It served as a reminder that I should and can be Present at all times and even sort of gave me some ways in which to practice being Present.

Almost immediately after completing "Peaceful Warrior," I moved on to "The Power of Intention" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Also not a new book nor recently popularized. It just came to me via a conversation Marcia and I were having about life and spirituality and she said I should read it. I am only half way through this book at this point so I don't know if it's going to be a casualty of Robb's half-read-book bad habit (sometimes when you get, you get it). So far I don't think so but it's possible because it's really just "The Secret" with different lipstick on it. The thing about it though is it reminded me about being positive and it reminded me that not only do I deserve whatever I believe I deserve but whatever I believe I deserve is what I deserve. Furthermore, if I really believe, I can manifest it via the fuel of my thoughts and actions. Brilliant! Wonderful timing! Never fails. Fear be gone!

Then Marcia and I just the other day went to see "Into the Wild." It's an unbelievable story told by an amazing author, John Krakauer, and taken to the screen by Sean Penn about a young man who leaves it all behind - every last penny and emotional connection - to hit the road and eventually go into the wilds of Alaska. The whole movie I wanted to cry not only because I knew the ending but because it was simply well done in how it reached out to you and connected with you on an everyday-human-level kind of way. It was unique in it's approach to doing so but very effective. Not to mention it clearly reminded me of that urge I'd had not so long ago.

I can relate a lot to Christopher Johnson McCandless (a.k.a., Alexander Supertramp). His drive to find Purpose and meaning. His need to simplify. The way he put it all behind him via an amazingly courageous journey in the modern frontier of America is inspiring in a very romantic sense. It plays off our desire and fear of actually leaving it all behind and to embrace that wild, almost animal side inside all of us. It was something I tried to recreate (about the time he was dying actually) with my own adventures into the wild. Unfortunately, or more likely thankfully, I was not as courageous as he. Or maybe I had just found a Path that he had yet to stumble upon for himself.

I got the book within days after seeing the movie and read it in three consecutive evenings as well. The book was, of course, better than the movie for a lot of reasons. Mainly because Krakauer is just a damn good writer. He related to McCandless and therefore was able to relate the story in a very emotionally binding way. But it also included a lot of literary references both as accents to the story but also as indicators of McCandless's progress on his own path - highlighted prose with criptic but quite clear notations can reveal a lot about the state of a man's Journey. I had a hard time putting the book down.

What impacted me the most was the fact that this story is now touching so many. I'm writing about it, telling people about it and thinking about it a lot. I am quite sure I am not the only one. His tragic, sad and short existence clearly had a purpose beyond the influence he left on those he touched directly. He had a purpose in life, the scope of which has only increased 15 years after his death. And for me, that's the point of all of this right there. It is the lynchpin. Had that not been his Purpose, we more than likely would never have heard of Alexander Supertramp. He would have emerged from his Alaskan Adventure, returning either to the road or to his family, and life would have gone on. But he just so happened to be one of the ones whose Purpose was to dramatically, in all it's tragic sadness, be that reminder, that thought provoking story, for me and so many others for whatever many reasons.

I am at heart a philosopher. There is no doubt in that for me. I have come to believe that this life is about finding time to philosophize. Finding time to connect with the Infinite. It is something that always grounds me. Brings me back to reality in a way that helps me begin to see through It and into the energy that is that Infinite space. It helps me to understand how completely insignificant I am but more importantly how completely infinite and real the possiblity is that each of us truly does have a Purpose, grand or isolated, dramatic or mundane but a Purpose nonetheless.

We of course will never truly know our own Purpose. It may not be felt for hundreds of years. It may be felt tomorrow. But we'll never know if it was that smile we gave that stranger or that donation we made to that wonderful organization or if it was that hug we gave to our child or if all those things were just a Gift to fill in the gaps between our Purpose and the rest of Life. Or maybe that our Life is the Gift of Purpose or possibly that our Purpose is the Gift of Life, take your pick. All I know is that believing in Purpose helps me find my way out of those lost thoughts, helps me fend off that mean old bitch fear and really reminds me that Now is all that matters because right Now I might just be fulfilling my Purpose.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sympathetic Love

2007-10-29T12:28:00.003-05:00

When I started writing in this space, my initial motivation came from a realization about myself and about life. A realization that came to me in a svasana and was, I now believe, a turning point for me on my Path. I realized that the place inside me that feels this life, that place where love resides, is really the same in all of us. It's the same place and it serves the same purpose for all of us. It's also fueled by the same energy - that energy that holds up the Universe. It is essentially the full and personal realization of what we say to each other after each yoga class - Namaste.

I described this place as my Me place. And I set out to express my spiritual Journey in this space because ultimately it's not about me at all but about all of us finding our way on our own Paths. All of us joined together but unfortunately more often than not separated on our Paths. I hoped (and hope still) that what I express and have expressed here has an impact. Even if only fleeting. Even if removed and indirect.

I now believe that part of what sprouted from that "svasana moment" is something that I will never know and can only imagine. Something I can never understand because it's so much larger than me. Something that truly isn't about me but more about what I write and how I write and who may read it and when and why and where and on and on. What I mean is that what I write here may be for me on the surface, it may be that it is fundamentally to help me take more steps down my Path, but I think that it may be more about something that I don't and won't ever understand. Something beyond me that I am not supposed to understand.

Last night, Marcia and I and the girls were at the studio participating in the Kirtan with Dave Stringer and his band. He mentioned something that I was already aware of but had not necessarily thought of in this way before. The concept is technically labeled "acoustic resonance" but also referred to as "sympathetic vibration." The easiest way to explain this is thus; if you pluck a guitar string on a guitar on one side of a room and on the other side of the room is another guitar with another string tuned the same, that string will vibrate even though it was not physically plucked. Dave's metaphor was that if you raise your own energy during a Kirtan, the overall energy of the Kirtan will rise with you and vise versa.

This to me is also a perfect metaphor for what I am being guided to do in this space. The vibration that I have always underlying my writing is one of love, one of spiritual growth through love. I believe we all need help when it comes to finding our Paths. God chose to leave us very little clear direction when it comes to these matters (at least in my humble opinion). And although I don't preach nor profess to know any more than anyone else when it comes to God or spirituality, I do know what I feel. And I do know that sharing what I feel makes me feel better. And in feeling better, I hope to make others feel better.

I have my moments. As do we all. Moments in the day-to-day where love is farthest from my mind. That's what life does to us. It throws things at us and we forget in those brief moments what it's really all about. We get too busy ducking and blocking. It happens to me daily. But all of it only serves to bring me back here consistently so that I can help myself remember and in so remembering, vibrate that out to anyone that is tuned to the same frequency.

Call it sympathetic love.

No One Here Gets Out Alive

2007-10-22T12:54:00.003-05:00

In the past few days, I've been forced to remember and pay attention to the fact that human life is fragile and that no matter how we may try to avoid it, sometimes God decides that it's our time to move on from this life. It's been an odd pattern of being made conscious of horrible deaths that have happened recently in the area. I know that these things happen quite often but in the past week or so it's been very impactful to me more so than usual. It's made me think a lot about life, time, love, death and living the moment.

Life is short. The longer I live, the more I realize this point. Once time has flowed by, it seems that it went by so quickly even when, in the moment, it may have felt slow. When I hear about horrible things, I am reminded that I need to pay more attention to the moments - slow or fast - and try my best to appreciate and remember them because I know they will soon be gone, either left behind or because possibly I will have been made to move on possibly in some similar fashion. I don't like this but I do understand it is necessary for me to do this. I try to simply pay attention while forcing myself to forget why I need to pay attention.

The thing that makes it even more difficult is love. I love this life. I love the people, events, and details of this life. I don't like to think that I could lose it all or worse yet keep it and lose something I love dearly. That is my biggest fear. That I will get that phone call or become that tragic story. I also don't want to be one to create that tragic story and leave behind the amazing, beautiful wife and the even more amazing and beautiful daughters. But these possibilities exist in every moment of every day. There really is no escape.

I know it's all very selfish. Especially the fact that much of it is about fear of death. Fear that we will die or that those we love will die. Mostly fear that the ones we love will die and we will be left alone in our sorrow and pain. The selfishness of it makes it even harder to deal with. I don't like to feel selfish but then I realize that I don't like the thought of not being selfish and holding it all in or denying the feelings. I've tried that. It only makes matters worse.

I am clearly selfish. I love life. I love the people and things and events in my life. I am attached. I have to admit it and face that. It goes against one of the core yoga practices but I don't think I care in this case or more importantly, I'm not so sure I can actually do anything about it. It sort of is what it is. There really is no escape.

Ultimately all of it is more fuel for my yoga fire. More fuel to that spiritual goal of truly letting that Wind carry me through this life. Given that there is no escape from these realities, what else can be done? You'd think that that question and its unstated but clear answer would make it easy to let that Wind take over but it simply isn't that easy. Emotions like love and selfishness get in the way. But my yoga reminds me to let go of these things and trust in that Wind. Trust that everything that happens happens for a reason. Trust that if I or someone I love is forced to move on from this life that there is a purpose and that it's not just random and horrible.

Five Days in Tibet

2007-10-08T18:14:00.003-05:00

OK, well not exactly Tibet but it might as well have been. It felt just as foreign. Five days of yoga concentrate (organic, of course). Five mornings of two hour crazy, challenging yoga practices with 30 other people. The heat and the energy were amazing. Five days of yoga instruction from an instructor that is clearly blessed with a gift that she shares eloquently. Five days of being tired and sore. Five days of figuring out things about yourself that you maybe didn't know were there. Five days of facing things that maybe you didn't feel like you wanted to but knew you truly did. That's why we were there after all.

Stephanie Keach is amazing. I love Stephanie Keach. If you didn't get a chance to come to the training or if you couldn't attend any of the Master Classes, DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN! Life is too short. She'll be back at Yoga South but she'll probably be back to Charlotte before that so check her website and figure out how and when you can meet and practice with her.

So in those five days, I learned a few things about myself and was reminded of a few things. Unfortunately they are things that I need to add to my spiritual "to do" list and not necessarily things that I feel like I can put in the "plus" column.

For example, I was reminded that I don't like boundaries. Quite honestly I abhore them. They piss me off. They make me want to scream. When I am presented by boundaries, I decidely rebel and become mundane. It's my way of screwing the man so to speak. So instead of embracing the opportunity that the boundary may be offering, I shun the whole damn thing. TO DO: Get a grip and deal.

Now having said that, I guess I do have something I can put in that "plus" column. I did overcome this to a degree by the end of the training. And now I have a new perspective on this because I've never before experienced it in my "new" state of mind (i.e., this mind that is now leading me to build my spiritual house).

Another example is that I was reminded that I HATE my hamstrings. And I do not use that word lightly in that sentence. I hate them. If I could divorce them, I would. If there was plastic surgery that would allow me to "fix" them, I would pay even if it cost me a second mortgage. I am strong and flexible in most other parts of my body to a degree that satisfys me but when it comes to my hamstrings ... well, I am hamstrung. TO DO: Get a grip and deal.

Moving on now, I also found out that I am a typical male when it comes to emotional expression. We had a closing round of goodbyes basically and I was blessed to go first (for reasons that God only made clear to me after the fact). Either because I was nervous or because I'm an idiot (most likely a combination of both), I said something truly man-like. It wasn't bad. It was kind of funny I guess because all the ladies laughed (I was the only man in the training). But I quickly realized that I regretted not expressing more - like gratitude for one and gratitude for two and some other things too. TO DO: Get a grip and deal.

But wait, it gets better. I then proceeded to withhold tears as one by one the wonderful, beautiful women in the training expressed their gratitude and joy and whatnot through more than a few tears of their own. In hindsight I can't believe I didn't let myself cry. I mean, I was the only guy there. It ain't like I would have felt less manly. It ain't like the women would have thought me less manly. What the fargo? It definitely reminded me how much that part of our culture pisses me off.

Anyway, I did stop Stephanie after we were all gathering to leave and through a few tears of my own expressed my thankfulness to her and my awe of her. So I guess I am not completely lost to our culture after all.

There were other things too that got to me. The details don't matter. What matters is that I am unbelieveably happy that I did it. What matters is that I truly think everyone there really got things from it that go beyond just yoga instruction. What matters is that there are now potentially 23 wonderful new yoga teachers in the world (some old but I think made new again).

Thank you, Stephanie. Thank you, classmates. Thank you, God.

Check out pictures here.

On Seeking Truth and Contentment

2007-09-21T20:53:00.003-05:00

I am a philosopher. For whatever reason, I was born with a question on the tip of my tongue that I still have yet been able to truly and completely formulate and express verbally. But boy howdy how I try. Nary a day goes by that I do not ponder some element of this existence. And no matter how much my knowledge, experience and my resultant thinking progresses, I am never satiated. I now believe that it is a primary purpose of my existence and a big part of that spiritual house that I am building.

"Among mortals who attain happiness, such a man is rare." ~ The Wisdom of Laotse

Right now my philosophical self has me very conscious of finding contentment on my Path and seeking my True definition of contentment. For me, contentment equates very much to happiness. Attaining it has become a key part of my spiritual practice. Through this practice, I have begun to notice the aspects of my life that do not foster contentment. Things that I am beginning to realize I can change without having to significantly change much other than my way of viewing life and my way of thinking about and processing the certain circumstances in this life that I cannot actually change. The most important and impactful question that arises as I seek this goal of contentment is "what is truly important to me?" What is true contentment?

Before I can answer this question though, my philosophical mind wants me to explore truth. I've actually been struggling a bit with this lately as I have been vicariously and somewhat directly experiencing what I perceive to be a lack of truth. I've been struggling to rationalize it for myself and for the person experiencing it directly. The difficulty in this is that I cannot know another's truth.

What does it mean to be true in this life? To be true to yourself? To be true to others? To act in a truthful way? I don't believe that there is one way of answering these questions and therefore of knowing truth fully or at least universally. Much of what we face in life is subjective and much is defined by our society and cultural practices. If you look back at history for example, you find periods where brutal acts were considered acceptable and endorsed because society at large supported these practices. Today we might find those acts abhorrent. That may not be the best example here but the point is that the definition of truth can change based on ones perspective or on outside stimulus.

Furthermore, it has become very clear to me that the ego can play a huge part in how one views truth at any given moment in time. When we let the ego loose, it can often reshape what we truly feel.

So what is truth? The only thing I can come up with is that it's all about the feeling and the process of seeking. If it feels genuinely good (which only each of us can truly know), I think it must be true. And regarding seeking, you know the old saying - "The journey is more important than the destination." I think finding truth is about the seeking and not the actual finding. As I seek truth and try to also determine "what is truly important to me?," a definition and clarity begins to formulate around that goal of contentment. It seems that the more often I practice this ritual, the more I begin to understand what it is that brings contentment to my life - what is truly important to me - but more importantly, the more I begin to understand and truly feel what truth is to me.

Choosing the Now

2007-09-10T11:08:00.003-05:00

I have noticed that often when dealing with conflict or tantrums with my daughters that I try to emphasize that they have a choice to make in whether the situation at hand is one worthy of sadness, anger or frustration or whatever negative emotion they may be feeling. More often than not it is one of those emotions that is being expressed and is usually the reason that I have gotten involved. Although I do admit that I also often cause those expressions as a result of my reaction to whatever is going on (you parents out there know exactly what I mean). Dealing with frustrated, unhappy little children can be one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. And figuring out in each and every situation the most appropriate reaction - without just reacting emotionally yourself - is sometimes impossible.

I've found myself lately trying to reason with them by saying things like "Does the way you feel right now feel good?" or "Wouldn't it feel better if you weren't crying?" I don't know if this course of action is right - I admit I could easily be setting them up for years of future counseling - but it feels right. I think that I am ultimately trying to help them avoid what took me so long to completely realize which is that in ever moment in life, we have the power to choose not only how we react but also how we feel.

Yoga has made me very sensitive to the moment. I constantly remind myself that the past is a memory and the future is a dream and that now is the only thing that matters. This is the genesis of the lesson I am trying to teach my girls. But it's so hard to learn. I mean it took me 34 friggin' years to get this. I do think that I did it on my own though through the process of making my way down my Path. But imagine if I had started down that Path much earlier on.

When it comes to parenting, I generally try to do what feels right. I also try to not do things that I feel my parents did wrong. Now I don't think they necessarily did a lot of things wrong and I don't criticize them for anything they did - they were just doing the same thing I am doing now. But I am a different person and all I know is how I felt about certain things growing up and now as a parent, I am choosing to do things slightly differently. I am sure my girls will do the same and hopefully they will have the same respect I do for the realities of parenting.

I am also trying to counteract our materialistic society by trying to make my girls realize that the things they hold dearest are generally the things with the least meaning. This is probably the hardest lesson to teach them. Little girls (and I guess all little kids) tend to latch on to objects and hold them quite dear - be it special little stickers that came with a Groovy Girl or Pokemon cards. Especially given that in our society, materialism is king. I mean this country was built and is being built every single day with capitalism. Marcia and I are capitalist. Ultimately we all are given that we are not choosing a communal society in the backwoods of Alaska but instead use whatever money we make, however we make it to buy "stuff."

My ongoing spiritual and philosophical practices have made me very conscious of materialism. It is what it is but it (along with many other cultural realities) also causes "confusion" as Lao Tsu defines it in Taoism. This confusion comes from our struggle to "keep up" with the pressures of society and our struggle to rationalize what often we feel is "not right" about society. Materialism is just one of those things but in our capitalist society we work harder to buy more so that we have to work harder and buy more so that we "fit in." All the while forgetting about the moment as now becomes the past and we wonder where the years have gone while looking forward - and wasting even more of the now - to that two week vacation that we'll take when work isn't so crazy anymore which doesn't ever really happen so when we finally go on vacation we can't really relax because we know and can't stop think about what is waiting when we get back.

I am caught in this just as much as any of us. But I think in knowing and being conscious of it, I find the little ways - like writing here or practicing yoga or playing UNO with my girls - to make sure I am justifying the now. I hope that I can succeed in teaching my girls this lesson sooner rather than later. I think of all lessons in this life, it is one of the most important and most impactful to ones enjoyment of this life.

Building the Ground Floor (cont.)

2007-08-29T21:26:00.003-05:00

I was not born with the gift of gab. I've never been much for parties unless I've had a bit more to drink than is really good for me (which is something I don't do anymore). Talking has never been my forte. I also do not believe that I have the gift of prose although some tell me otherwise. When I was younger, I very much thought I wanted to be a poet and in wanting, I wrote a considerable amount of really bad poetry. I still have it and amuse myself sometimes by reading through it. However, I've come to realize that my yearn for prose was really a yearning to build and a yearning to find my own true form of expression.

One thing I do have is the gift of life. The most precious of all things one could consider gifts. If it were not for this life, I would not have the opportunity to love. And to me, love is the ultimate expression of this life. I believe I am here to love and that the Universe rewards those that truly and fully have this awakening and exercise it. We are here to create love. Life is about creating love and sharing love and feeling love. As a result, I have come to realize that love is the primary material in the ground floor of my spiritual destination.

The problem with this is that I have many walls to break down before I feel I can fully express love in my life. Walls that have been built - by me and because of this culture - over the last 34 years. Walls that I have spoken of in the past but not for some time. Walls that I have, in relative terms, just begun to look up at and dismantle.

I am finding it ironic that I must first break down walls in order to build a functional ground floor on my spiritual foundation. But I find it comforting to know that much of what I tear down can be used in this new construction process.

Sometimes I wonder if I am normal. Am I unique in that I have struggled, come to a realization of that struggle and then struggled more to fully rationalize the struggle. I don't know and I guess I don't really care. All that matters is that I am doing what I know I am supposed to be doing. In every moment, in every day, I know that I am building what was meant for me to build. A house of love.

Curve Balls

2007-08-18T10:22:00.003-05:00

So sticking with my baseball metaphor for a bit longer ... sometimes life throws me curve balls. Really nicely pitched ones too. The kind where I think I need to duck or be hit by the ball but in the end they curve right back in to that sweet spot for a solid strike. I love them for their beauty but hate them for their deceit. At the end of the day though, they are part of the game and like I said before, you either step up to the plate and take a swing or you don't and never get the opportunity to even see the pitch.

I was pitched a curve ball this week. In this particular game it was not the first one I had received, however. The first few I think I ducked away from. But this one was different. This one I watched all the way in and took a solid swing at. And the beautiful thing about it is that I hit it. Now, the ball is still in the air so I don't have a clue if I hit a single, double, triple or home run. I don't discount that I may have fouled or popped out. Only time will tell. But I do know that a) I didn't hesitate to step up to the plate, b) didn't duck or even think about ducking when the pitch looked like it might hit me, and c) I hit the ball. The best part about all of this is I was smiling the whole time.

What does this tell me? Well, it tells me a lot about this spiritual practice and spiritual Path that I am on. I am getting stronger, my faith is increasing, and in so doing, I am moving more efficiently down my Path. This is a great thing! It is why I began my Journey in the first place.

This curve ball I speak of and other events have lately exposed me to new spiritual thinking. I have been reading a lot and going online to learn more about ancient Asian spiritual meanings and practices, studying Celtic art, exploring "alternative" views on God and religion and generally trying to broaden my spiritual horizons. I used to say out loud that I was not sure that I believed there was a God. But inside I've always kind of known there was. Through that struggle of ego and spirit, I became aware of many points of view and belief systems but other than Christianity, never really delved much into any of them. Through my yoga, I am realizing that I need to learn more. My yoga is exposing my spirit to realities of myself that I did not allow myself to express in the past. These expressions are beginning to fundamentally change me as a person. The most important realization I've had during this process is that I no longer think that there is a black and white scenario when it comes to spirituality. As Michael Franti sings, "God is too big for just one religion."

Right now I am most interested in ancient Asian spirituality. The primary reason I think is because I practice yoga. Yoga is many millennium old. By itself it is also a spiritual practice. Anything that has endured for that long must have significant value and merit. So I have come to think that any ancient concepts that remain active in our collective consciousness must also have pretty significant merit as well.

The one that I am currently pretty intently focused on is that of the Tao. The ancient Chinese used this label to describe the harmonious complexity of the universe. The best description I have found so far, or at least the one I like the best (which is most important in a pursuit such as this) is from the Wikipedia entry for Tao (Dao is a variation of the word Tao):

There is a flow in the universe, and it is called dao. Dao is never stagnant and is incredibly powerful and keeps things in the universe balanced and in order. It manifests itself through change of seasons, cycle of life, shifts of power, time, and so forth. Dao has a strong and deep connection with cosmology and the natural world, as the most well-known Daoist philosophers Laozi and Zhuangzi agreed. Dao is the law of Nature. When you follow dao, you become one with it. And it is best to also understand qi, because qi and dao go hand in hand. Qi is a Chinese term that is translated as breath, vapour, and energy. Because qi is the energy that circulates the universe, it can be said that dao is ultimately a flow of chi. Being one with dao brings best outcomes, because in that way things will fall into place as they are meant to be.

The thing I love about this the most is how it fits with my favorite metaphor for my spiritual pursuits. That being the idea of being relaxed in the pose of spirituality (what pose that is I have yet to discover) with the Wind of spirituality blowing my sail of faith and carrying me through life.

I know I've written this many times in this space but I can't help myself. I must write it again. The more I go with the Flow, the more I find my life gets better and better. The more the curve balls become home runs. The more that challenges become opportunities for growth and purpose. The more I become more centered and at peace. The more I look forward to getting to know my God more through this and all of my other spiritual practices.

Swinging for the Fences

2007-08-08T10:53:00.003-05:00

I am kind of a mess right now. But I am not complaining. Actually, I am celebrating. I cut my finger again. Same finger and within about a quarter of an inch of the chunk I took off several weeks ago. This time though it was a rip kind of cut rather than a slice. It felt awesome. This happened almost immediately after I said out loud that I was having "one of those weeks" again. Dude, you would think I would have learned by now and heeded my own friggin' beliefs in this arena. Of course, if I believe I am having "one of those weeks," then God is damn sure going to make sure I do (or maybe it's just me subconsciously making sure I follow through on my own outlook).

The thing about that is I think God was trying to tell me something. I was having some doubts about something that had just happened that was unexpected and had pretty dramatically changed a vision I had been formulating for my short term future. I think God was telling me not to doubt which I already know I shouldn't do and to not get attached to visions of the future and as we all know, non-attachement is a core philosophy of yoga. Nice reminder. Very effective.

Anyway, I am also very busy and in being busy I am dealing with the kinds of things that one has to deal with when things get a little too busy. Details. They come and they go and sometimes it's easy to miss some of them. I have missed a few lately and that tends to piss me off because I am anal. Success, in my opinion, lies in the details. The level of attention you pay to the details proportionally increases your chances of success in any endeavor.

So I am mad and in pain. But man I feel great.

I started thinking about why. In the past, I would definitely be yelling and screaming and generally unhappy. This is probably the first time I've had "one of those weeks" and couldn't be happier about it. I think it's because if you believe - truly believe - then you just keep on swinging (Marcia and I took the girls to the see the Knights last weekend hence the baseball metaphor). Missing a few good pitches ain't that big a deal cuz you know more are coming! And the more you step up to the plate and swing, the higher your chances are of getting one of those pitches and hitting the ball. (I wonder if there is any scientific validity to this in baseball?) I mean, maybe you suck at hitting baseballs. But you sure as hell aren't going to get any better by just stepping up to the plate and watching them all go by right? What's the point of stepping up to the plate if you don't take a swing or three (minimum)? Let alone never stepping up at all. We won't even go there.

So I am swinging away right now. I am, simply stated, in the zone. Which explains it all. I am a mess but I am in that zone. I know if I keep stepping up, keep swinging, that I'll just keep hitting them. Just like any other batter who is focused on that ball, sometimes I get a piece and sometime I foul and sometimes I strike out. That is the way it goes. Even when you are in the zone, you don't always hit home runs with every pitch you get. But I think what you do do is pay attention to the details and make adjustments so effectively that your batting average goes up noticeably whilst in the zone. And you aren't afraid to step up again and swing again because you have faith that the pitches are going to keep on coming.

I love it!

Building the Ground Floor

2007-07-22T20:17:00.003-05:00

I find comfort dreaming about the way I want my life to be and imagining the kinds of moments that I wish to have more of in my life. These dreams are generally brief characterizations, simple moments, sometimes colorless snapshots in time, always with a sound or smell highlighting the important emotional aspect of the moment. This practice reminds me of why I try and why I don't let myself down and why I am on my Path and what it is in life that is truly important to me. It is an important ingredient in that mortar that I've described in the past. That mortar that keeps my foundation strong.

Sometimes these dreams are as simple as the thought of cuddling into my wife's neck and the sweet smell that is her. Or the hugging smell of a summer day pool in the hair of one of my daughters. Or seeing my three beautiful girls, smiling faces shining, all staring at me with love in there eyes. Or the sound of the wind through late summer grass in the evening on a hill somewhere familiar but unnamed. Or the soothing smell of baking cookies waking me from a midday nap on a calm but rainy Sunday afternoon. Or just the pure happiness of my dog's gaze.

There is a wonderful quote by two-time Pulitzer Prize-winning historian and poet Carl Sandburg that seems fitting to this practice.

"Nothing happens unless first we dream."

I believe that the future is only limited by the creativity of our imaginations and the limits we put on our own desires. If you can imagine it, it is possible. And if you imagine it with desire, you can attract more of it into your life. I only believe it because I've experienced it many times in my life. The believing has become easy so the practicing comes naturally. It's a self-fulfilling practice as long as you stick to it.

Of course the dreams I've mentioned are simple, everyday pleasures that make me happy in the moment-to-moment on my Path. They aren't necessarily the kind of dreams that I believe Mr. Sandburg was more likely referring to. The broader, life changing dreams that we all have for our lives. In my opinion, the practice is no different when it comes to achieving these types of dreams. To achieve your dreams, you have to dream them first and dreams dreamt with enough desire come to fruition if you have faith, visualize, take action when prompted by the Universe and then wash and repeat.

One thing I've learned about this practice is that the emotional foundation of the dream is the most important factor in how successfully I activate the dream in my life. If that foundation is weak, the dream will be weak in it's activation. When I say weak, I mean lacking truth or not being natural or unwholesome (none of which are exactly right but those are as close as I can come to describing this). The more naturally good the emotion, the more strongly the dream is activated in my life. This has made me really evaluate my dreams whenever I have them. And in so doing it has made me able to see the types of dreams and feelings that the Universe values and therefore that I value.

The more I focus on those values, the more I flow through life. And the more I flow, the more I realize that I am slowly building the ground floor of this spiritual house that I know someday this Path will reach.

Mastering Fear

2007-07-07T14:07:00.002-05:00

If you've been one to read much of what I've written in this space, you've likely noticed that, at least for a while anyway, I struggled pretty intently with fear. I definitely had a time, especially around the time I went into business for myself about two years ago, where fear was creating a significant amount of stress in my life.

Writing in this space, walking this Path, practicing my yoga, all has helped me learn to face my fear and learn the most effective ways in which I can mitigate fear when it decides to rear it's ugly head. I used to believe that I could actually destroy fear and move down my Path with my eyes lifted, disregarding the twists, turns and uphill climbs the moment I became aware of them, enjoying the views rather than fearfully anticipating the roots and sharp rocks that must surely lay ahead.

What I've learned though is that fear is not something that can be completely overcome. Fear is part of being human. It's part of this Path. The only thing we can do is learn how to manage fear, learn how to court her and seduce her and make her happy. This is not an easy thing to do but as I've come to know, it is possible to practice and at which to become more skilled.

There is a quote I found randomly by someone I didn't know prior to its discovery but that I admire. The author's name is Dorothy Thompson.

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.

I admire it but I also find it to be naive in the sense that it insinuates the one can totally rid fear from ones life.

There's another quote though that I admire even more. It's by Mark Twain.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.

This is a completely different view of fear. It's an honest commentary that fear serves a purpose in life without prognosticating what that purpose is. It doesn't describe the state of absence of fear but I think it insinuates a negative view on that state. It does however speak to the ability to master fear.

I do not believe I have yet mastered fear - actually I know I haven't - but I do know now that I am well on my way. The most important thing I've learned about dealing with fear is that I must trust in the Universe and remember that most of the time the things I fear are far worse than what could even actually happen. When I remember to practice that trust and have that realization, I find it much easier to face my fears and in so doing, see right through them to the meaning and purpose that they hold for me at that moment on my Path.

Questions of Self Exploration

2007-06-22T15:48:00.001-05:00

I believe it is healthy to ponder this reality with questions that evoke emotional responses and questions that simply make you think in a new or at least different way. We are so often in a mode where life is causing us to react emotionally that I think it's healthy to force ourselves to think emotionally and to think outside the box. It helps us stay the course when the sea of life is all but calm. Most (if not all) of these questions are to stimulate me personally. I struggle with many things on this Journey and these are just a sample. I am not intimating that I have answers or have followed my own emotional advice here. I am just trying to take more steps down my Path. I hope that in some way this helps you too.

Are you afraid of dying? If so, why? What specifically are you afraid of? If you imagined there was no Heaven or Hell, just absolute nothing, would you still be afraid? If you are not afraid, why do you think you are going to Heaven? And if you don't believe in Heaven and just think that death leads to that nothingness, aren't you afraid you are wrong?

Imagine you are daydreaming at a stop light, it turns green but you don't notice. After a second or two, the person behind you wails on his horn and as you look at his reflection in your rear view mirror, you see that he is VERY pissed off and giving you the finger. What is your reaction? Given that this really isn't happening to you, take a moment to imagine what you would like your reaction to be. On the other hand, if someone did this in front of YOU, what would your reaction be (would you be giving the finger)?

Imagine you are making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and you only have one knife and you have no way to truly clean the knife between spreading the jelly and the peanut butter. Is it better to get jelly in the peanut butter jar or peanut butter in the jelly jar?

Imagine what it must be like to live your life with nothing but just enough to keep yourself alive. Imagine that you live every day with hunger or thirst in your belly. Does this change the way you view your daily "grind"? Does it make you appreciate more the abundance that you have?

Is what you have enough or do you need more? If you believe you need more, why do you feel this way? What does more do for you? Does it cause you stress because you have more bills or does it truly make you more happy? Can you imagine having less of something and being happier? If so, what are the things you would like to have less of? How can you get rid of those things in your life?

When you are driving to and from work or any other destination and are alone, what do you do with that time? Do you zone out on the radio and/or on your wandering thoughts? Do you pray? Do you practice the Secret? Do you practice gratitude for the simple fact that you are alive in that moment? If not, try it. Now imagine the same scenario but with your children. Are you taking advantage of the time you have with yourself and/or with them?

What do you think your first boy/girlfriend doing right now? Do you think they ever think about you? When was the last time you thought about the first time you feel in love? How does it compare to the love you feel now? If you don't feel love now, what are you waiting for? There are 7 billion people on this planet and over 1 million in the Charlotte area.

When was the last time you hugged someone simply because you could tell they needed it? How often do you feel this way and do nothing about it? If you are uncomfortable giving hugs to acquaintances, why?

What makes you happy? Have you done one of those things for someone you love recently? Have you done one of those things for YOU lately? Make a list of simple things that make you happy and put a check by each one each time you do it for one week. See how you feel when you really focus on happiness.

Do you hold anything against anyone? If so, why? Is it worth it? What does it accomplish? What could you do to let go of it?

My daughter looked at me the other day and asked me why Daddy's wear such plain underwear. Isn't that a great question?!? Why do we lose so much of our childhood selves as we grow older? Wouldn't life be so much more fun if we viewed it through the eyes of a 6 year old? What other ways can you bring your childhood back into your life? When was the last time you played in the rain or built a sand castle with your child or wrestled in the yard with your dog? Life is short.

If God created the universe as many of us believe, do you really think he can be defined and/or his glory can be truly honored by just one religion? What makes Christianity (or any religion) "right" and all others "wrong"? On the other hand, if God created the universe, who created God?

If no one loved you, how would you feel? Do you know someone who needs love?

Test ... or Torture?

2007-06-10T18:34:00.002-05:00

And then God said "Thou shalt not do yoga young man." And I said "OK." And then God added "Thou as well shall be presented with tribulations that will test your faith." And I said "Uh ... well ... OK ... I guess." And then it happened.

That all happened about 3 weeks ago. You may recall in an entry from about that time that I had to leave a yoga class because I was struggling with my practice. Well, I figured out pretty quickly that God didn't want me doing yoga for a while. I will explain.

So almost the very next day, my work got CRAZY. I don't know why. It just did. It was weird too because it seemed like a slow phase had presented itself. Retail is random and my type of retail seems VERY random so you never know when it's going to be busy or slow but generally speaking it's either busy or it's slow. There never seems to be an in between.

Anyway, it got busy. Then I had some challenges that I had to face related to being busy and in the midst of facing those challenges ... well ... I sliced the tip of my finger off. Yes, the tip. It was crazy. I was bitching and moaning about something, doing something I've done more times than I could possibly count in the last two years when suddenly I realized that the razor blade I was using had cut completely through part of my finger.

I immediately and intuitively knew that I had done something pretty bad. It didn't hurt in the moment I did it and in the immediate moment after but I knew it was bad. I basically threw the blade aside, grabbed my finger and stepped back. As I came to a stand still, I was looking at a dime sized area on my finger that was no longer there and was beginning to bleed quite profusely. I then looked up to where I had been cutting and there, laying on the cutting board, was the dime sliced piece of what used to be a part of me.

I almost fainted.

The following week and a half was filled with what I can only described as one test after another from God. I won't get into details but I will stress that it was f'ed up. Way, WAY, F'ed up. Every day was filled with at least two and most days three tests. It has essentially continued until just a few days ago (I hope). It was unbelieveable. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. I almost literally cried on a few occasions.

I don't know what this has all been about. I can't explain it yet. The only thing I can imagine is that it was God testing my faith. I mean I HAVE to believe that. If I think about it any other way, I start to think things that aren't good for my mental state. And I could easily start to blaim myself or characterize it as torture rather than test. Neither of which would do me any good. It would just bring me down and make my normally positive outlook somewhat gloomy.

All I know is that I have not been to yoga in over three weeks. It's the longest break I've had since my last break which was over a year ago and was more of a mental lapse than anything else. Suffice it to say (I love that phrase) that I am about to lose my freakin' mind. I had made so much progress and was almost holding my hand stand. Now I have no idea where I am but can only imagine that I've digressed.

Oh well, yoga rocks. I love it. I will get back tomorrow night and I will start from wherever I am and I will love it. It will remind me of why I do it. It will remind me what it does for me both mentally and physically. It will bring me back to me.

Now I wonder if the reason I've had such crazy friggin' luck the last three weeks is because I haven't been doing yoga. I wonder.

Stopping to Smell the Roses (and the Manure too)

2007-05-25T12:41:00.001-05:00

The fact of my 34th birthday approaching on Monday has forced me to think even more about my past and about the spiritual journey that I have been sharing in this space and to ponder the future and where my Path might be leading me. I've been reminiscing about the good times of the past, searching the challenging times for the lessons learned and generally projecting my overall gratitude to the Universe for all of it.

In so doing, I decided to reread my Journey to this point to see if I could find any pattern or expose learning that I may not be aware has occurred. The first thing I discovered was that it's been over one year since I began writing about my Journey and my Path in this space. That just reaffirmed to me that time flies when you are having fun. But it also made me feel good to see that I've truly kept myself dedicated to this spiritual exploration.

I also discovered that one important foundational element in my Journey has not changed. I captured it in my post from April 26th, 2006:

Someone much more wise than I once said there is a Wind that carries each of us in our own way – the Way – through this Life. It’s always blowing, always available to us. Some of us choose to spread our sails and blow with our Wind. Others try to move crosswise with it or push against it. One thing I’ve found on my Path is that the Wind is my friend. The more I go with the flow, the more I find the Tools I need for my Journey. I’ve always felt that everything happens for a reason and that the more I give of myself to the Flow, the more I find it helps me down my Path.

“The yogi never neglects or mortifies the body or the mind, but cherishes both. To him the body is not an impediment to his spiritual liberation nor is it the cause of its fall, but is an instrument of attainment. He seeks a body strong as a thunderbolt, healthy and free from suffering so as to dedicate it in the service of the Lord for which it is intended.” - from “Light on Yoga” by B.K.S. Iyengar

And if I might add, so that he can take full advantage of the Wind that carries him down the Path on his Journey to the Truth.

If anything, this idea of the Wind and the Flow has only become more central to my spiritual Path. It has become my central pillar. It is what I base my views of life on and has definitely helped me immensely.

I also discovered that I've made progress in my yoga. It's difficult to nail that down to one entry or even a combination of entries. I simply sense from the progression I read and the feelings I now have that I have made lots of progress. For sure, I have dropped the notion of partying to improve your practice. Suffice it to say, I don't advocate that sort of thing anymore. Actually, I have to say that the opposite is much more effective now having experienced it for myself.

However, I also see that I as yet have a lot of practice left before I feel as though I am truly a good yogi. I've recently been struggling with my practice. I even left my last class of over a week ago about 30 minutes early because I simply couldn't deal with the mental and even physical struggle that I was experiencing. About one year ago, I had what I considered a few breakthroughs in this area. In this regard, I wonder where from the egress of struggle has reappeared. Only time will tell.

My struggles with fear though have clearly improved. I haven't written about fear in some time because quite frankly, I haven't felt much fear in the past few months. This is one sign to me that I have made the progress I spoke of before. A very significant sign.

In any case, my overall summary is that in the past year I have moved farther down my Path.

That's it.

Well, and I have a long Road in front of me.

Now that's it.

...

Changing the subject now, I want to take a moment to explore something new that I've been experiencing. I don't know what it is or what it is about but in writing about it I hope to reveal more of it. Maybe next year at my birthday I can look back and see the progress I've made in this regard.

My spiritual journey as previously mentioned has and continues to progress. My faith is becoming stronger and expanding in ways I did not long ago think was possible.

The other day I was having what I can only best describe as a moment of "connection." These are moments - more frequent as time goes by - where my perception of reality as viewed through my increasingly spiritual center becomes transparent (for lack of a better word). The best way I can describe it is to say that reality almost becomes translucent as I begin to see through it and into the spiritual meaning of it all.

It sounds crazy, I know. But whatever. It is what it is. I don't believe I am crazy. I just think I am exercising something that I've discovered.

Anyway, these experiences have brought back some of the feelings of wonder that I used to experience much more often than I do now. For example, the fact that we are living on a big huge ball of rock and dirt that is floating in emptiness with nothing to support it BUT that emptiness. DUDE! What is that? I mean how the hell do you explain that without coming back around to God.

Or the whole infinite loop of what came first - God or the Universe. And assuming that one of them came first, who or what created Him or It? HOLY SHIT.

Or the fact that we are simply a commune of single cell organisms working together to benefit the whole system and that combination somehow creates consciousness and perception and emotion and maybe spirit? OH MY GOD.

I have to stop.

More on all this sooner rather than later I am sure.

...

Happy Birthday to me. I hope you have (had) a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.

Seeking My Authentic Self

2007-05-15T09:13:00.001-05:00

Some time ago, I wrote to you about a vision and goal I have for my spiritual present and future. It is the way in which I imagine I might reach my own definition of enlightenment. It revolves around moving through life carried by the winds of change, relaxed and centered in the sailcloth of my God's purpose for me. I've been very focused on experiencing this vision and have been using gratitude as a primary means by which to achieve it. So far, so good I think but not without struggle. I have been particularly struggling with something that I seem to be more acutely aware of in myself and in others now. That being the search for ones own authenticity and the courage to reflect to the world what one finds in this search.

I have begun, through this process, to fully appreciate my own imperfection while also beginning to fully understand my own uniqueness and value in this life. It's an interesting juxtaposition and has given me a perspective that has made me very aware of the struggles that we all face on this Path. I look around and see symptoms of it everywhere - in the cars we drive, in the clothes we wear, in the words we use to express ourselves, in the religious and political views we choose to adopt. The list goes on but it is clear what I am referring to - our natural tendency and need to be accepted.

I am not being judgmental in this observation or critical of our behavior. I am simply observing and then seeking a new Path. One that reveals a way to find my own authenticity. Because I am human and these are things I struggle with too.

We tend to adopt objects and ideas that reflect who we want to be but also reflect what we see others wanting to be and what we believe others want us to be as well. Especially those that we deem successful or famous or insightful or charismatic or whatever we essentially idolize. In the extreme I think this sometimes leads to what we would describe as a cult. People adopting wholeheartedly the views, mores, and culture of one or many that they believe they want to be like or who are like them but in a purer form. On the other extreme I see this leading to events like Virginia Tech where someone, in all his humanness, was seeking acceptance and in not finding, walked a Path of horrible destruction.

Somewhere in between is the happy medium where most of us find ourselves. We want to feel accepted as part of the larger community but we also want to express and truly feel our uniqueness. After all, we have evolved as a communal being but at the same time, through consciousness, have an innate need and desire to be the Self that only we can be. There is no other Self like ourselves.

I have definitely become aware of my own struggle with this. On one hand I want to be accepted and to fit in. On the other, I want to be unique and quite honestly, different. This has always been my Path. But in pursuing my own authenticity as defined by me, I find that I am scared because I don't want to go so far as to be ridiculed. But then I realize that ultimately I should not care. Does it really matter what others think of me or how they may perceive me? I think not, yet my heart and my mind tell me otherwise. 'Tis human nature I think.

I want to be my authentic self without risk. This is the ultimate desire and the ultimate challenge. How to be authentic within the confines of who I am physically. It is a spiritual mountain that must be climbed using the limits of my physical being. I think that at the peak lies clarity to the answer to this question.

As I climb, I have some thoughts on the matter. Mainly dealing with how to use yoga to become my authentic self. Since yoga has a guidebook that I believe is applicable to almost any pursuit one choose to undertake, I will use it as a guide in seeking this peak of clarity.

In the first chapter of the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali states that "yoga begins with discipline." Ok, well, that makes sense and is quite obvious for any practice. But due to it's obviousness, it's easy to forget and due to our humanness, we tend to forget in the moment that being in the moment is about discipline. He then states that "yoga is control of thoughts and feelings." So we need to be disciplined about controlling our thoughts and feelings. I get that. I see that is being the foundation to this climb.

In the second chapter, in describing Ashtanga yoga, Patanjali introduces the Yamas. The one most relevant to me in this climb is that of Satya or truth. In Sanskrit, truth is defined as "all that takes you closer to sat (i.e. almighty god) is satya (i.e. the real truth)." So in this context it's not truth as in telling the truth to a friend, although that is an aspect of it, but truth as in acting and thinking in ways that truly bring you closer to your God. In my mind, since God made me, anything I do to be more myself is taking me closer to my God because I am becoming more of what God intended me to become. This I see as the cornerstone.

So I must be disciplined in controlling my thoughts and feelings while being "truthful" to myself and in my life. Combine this with Aparigraha (abstention from possessions) and the Niyama of Svadhyaya (self study) and I begin to see a path to the summit. These are the bricks along with the rest of the sutras but to me, in this context, the most important of them all.

I see Aparigraha not as abstention from material possessions alone but more importantly abstention from mental possessions. Possessions of mind. Possessions that coerce me to believe that I need to be a certain way or more obviously, need to acquire certain objects in order to be perceived in a certain way.

And ultimately I see self study or Svadhyaya as what I do when I write to you. And what I do when I ponder these things. And what I do when I practice yoga. And so on. Self study, if done consistently and in my opinion correctly, is ceaseless.

So through yoga, practiced in a traditional sense, I can begin to achieve my authentic self. I am not certain if I believe that in this physical form I can truly ever reach this authentic state I imagine and pursue. But I believe, like the rest of this life, that God meant it to be this way so that we would always be seeking our Path and in so doing, finding new Paths and cresting new peaks that then lead us to new and taller mountains. Ultimately, I think the authentic self lies in the moment where discipline of thought and feeling meet perfectly with truthfulness as previously defined. I think, due to human nature and the barriers of our physical being, that authenticity is flighty. But through practice, I do think I can begin to describe my authentic Self and cultivate that which God meant to be.

A Special Dedication

2007-04-30T11:25:00.001-05:00

I know. I do this kind of thing a lot. It's a weakness. I simply cannot help myself. It definitely goes beyond words and I think I've figured out that it goes way beyond love too. It's a spiritual mystery that can only be explained by feeling the actual feeling that is involved.

She's a thing of glory, a thing of beauty, a thing of wonder. She is unworthy of words because words cannot describe her. She is my girl and I am a sucker for her. She is my wife.

No matter what I do, I can't get over her. I'm like a teenager who has just made love for the first time. Except that it's been more than ten years. When I see her, smell her, hear her or am just near her, I am giddy. I want to touch her, hold her, kiss her, and just love her up. Sometimes it's all I can think about.

If you've read any of my Journey, it's probably pretty clear that I am evolving and have been for some time now. I attribute a large part of this to Marcia being in my life and supporting me as I've made my way down my Path. In many respects she has been one of my most important guides. Often when I've found myself staring at the place that my Feet should be and seeing only Weeds covering both my Feet and my Path, Marcia has been there, just down the Path from me and has drawn my eyes up, away from the Weeds so that I could see the Path ahead. I owe her much for who I am and where I am today.

She also puts up with me which is quite a feat. Because, let me tell you that I have my moments. No matter how present I am and how hard I am trying to be a good yogi, they are frequent and she deals. She's patient with my hormonal outbursts, my pack rat habits and my sometimes laid back approach to certain necessary (if not culturally ridiculous) responsibilities.

All in all she is perfect to and for me.

I've always related to a song by Shawn Mullins titled "Evolution Man." It has always seemed fitting to me. Today, I finally decided to look up the lyrics. At first it comes across as a sad song - both in verse and in tone. But I see it differently. In the song, She does for Him what Marcia has done for me with the exception that Marcia has always been a part of what I want. So I see myself as the Evolution Man, Part II. I'm still evolving, still seeking but I've found a few things that I know for sure and Marcia was the first and in a very important sense, the last.

He's a walkin' contradiction when he sings his verse.
He's got a caffeine fix addiction but it could be worse.
And he is loved by many understood in time.
But it's easier to love him than to try to read his mind.
He's a mass of words expression and toil,
and his temples in the trees, the water and the soil --
he's a man of evolution, always changing like the seasons.
He finds the right solution but gets lost in his own reason,
and he's got a ways to go.
I know he's doing what he can.
Sometimes this world's a lonely place for the evolution man,
but she's always been there for him.
She's his steady ground, and he'll never ever own her,
it's the other way around.
'Cause she's the way out of here,
she's the needle in his vein,
and he knows she's the only thing that will ever stop the pain.
He stands there naked in the light giving all he's got.
Most folks don't understand that
we're no different than the rocks and stones.
To the evolution man she said,
I got a funny feelin' that I'm headed somewhere new and
there ain't no use in stealin' your sweet sweet dream from you
'cause I know you'll find what you want if I set you free...
and I'll still be here if you find that what you want is me,
'cause it's a long and lonely road.
I know you're doing what you can
but I never thought it would be so hard to love
the evolution man.
You're an evolution man.

Shawn Mullins, Evolution Man